Tags
damnation, hell, pardon, punishment, Thanksgiving, Trump, Turkey
25 Wednesday Nov 2020
Posted American Life, Humor, Political commentary
inTags
damnation, hell, pardon, punishment, Thanksgiving, Trump, Turkey
21 Saturday Nov 2020
Posted American Life, Political commentary, Satire
inTags
Covid, election, Fort Knox, fraud, gold, high crimes, Trump, White House
With the election over and Biden’s victory all-but-official, we’ve interpreted Donald Trump’s charges of election fraud as a desperate effort to stay in office four more years.
Well … sort of, but not really. Actually, he’d prefer to have done with politics, including his supporters (“a collection of the stupidest goddam dipshits on this planet, or any other”); his Make America Great Again cap (“it hides my beautiful hair”); classified briefings (“a lot of nukuler nonsense”); and Mike Pence (“that sanctimonious little choirboy”).
The actual reason he’s holding on for dear life is that he really really really really doesn’t want to leave the White House.
Let me explain. Trump is a very wealthy man. But he has a mountain of debt, faces potentially astronomical legal costs, and recognizes that the dollar-power of the Trump brand is withering daily.
What we have been unaware of is that, anticipating these potential disasters, he has secretly supplied himself with a significant, but very sensitive, financial buffer.
Unknown to the public, or even to his closest aides, Trump has made regular top-secret visits to Fort Knox. During each visit, he has demanded that he be left alone with the gold, claiming that communion with so precious a substance inspires his most productive policy-thinking.
His security detail, and the Fort Knox guards, have had no option but to acquiesce, and, on each visit, he has, without their knowing, taken a single gold bar, stuffed it under his belt, and transported it back to the White House.
Even if he was left alone with the gold bars, how could the guards and his security detail NOT have noticed? you may well ask. Here’s how: In his first year in office, he purposely shed about fifty pounds of ugly fat, but hid the loss with an inflatable beer-bellyish contour pillow. During each Fort Knox visit, which began in his second year, he deflated the pillow and inserted a gold bar, which retained his pot-belly profile. The timing of the visits, avoiding hot days, allowed him to use his enormous black overcoat for further cover.
So, what does that have to do with his desperation to stay in the White House? you may ask.
During his first year in office, before he started visiting Fort Knox, Trump had the White House Library totally redone. Real books were replaced by nearly 1,000 large, imposing, seemingly real, but actually hollow, tomes.
On each return from Fort Knox, he would quietly go to the library and deposit his new gold bar in one of the “books.” Wary of keeping a written list of each hiding place, he came up with an easy-to-remember coding system.
However, Trump’s recent bout of Covid, from which he seemed to recover quickly, actually did affect his memory, and erased all recollection of the secret code.
With election season upon him, why did he not take extra precautions to assure his gold bars were accessible if need should arise? Impossible to know, though it’s likely that, utterly confident he would win, he counted on four more years to build up his stash and work on a foolproof system to get the gold out by January 2025, when, he knew, he would have to leave.
Now that the truth is known, the Secret Service would be well-advised to check the library. In fact, I’m shortly going to give them a call. Extracting Trump from the White House won’t be easy, and might require a strait-jacket. I’d suggest an orange or green one, if only as a courtesy to acquaint him with the style and the colors he may soon be required to wear. He deserves nothing less … but nothing more.