Wed, Sept 30: President Trump travels to Minnesota for a rally. With nothing to do but look out the window, he starts wondering if Minnesota really does, as it claims, have 10,000 lakes. He tells his adviser, Hope Hicks, to sit on the left side of the plane and count the lakes, and he will count from the right.
By the time they begin their descent into Duluth, she reports 450. He reports 200. He asks her if that adds up to 10,000. Before she can answer, she passes out in her seat, which he, trying to add the two figures in his head, does not notice.
At the rally, he tells the crowd that, by his calculation, Minnesota has been robbed of thousands of lakes and he will see to it that the Army Corps of Engineers digs new lakes until Minnesota has its 10,000. He accepts the crowd’s chant that the 10,000th be called Lake Trump.
Back on the plane, he asks who’s the broad laid out in the back under a blanket, and what has she been drinking? An aide explains that it’s Hope Hicks and that it’s probably Covid, but Trump is already asleep by Hope.
Thurs, Oct 1: As Trump is about to leave the White House for a fundraiser at his Bedminster, NJ golf club, he is informed that Hope Hicks has, indeed, tested positive for Covid. He tells an aide to send her a flower and boards his helicopter.
In remarks at the fundraiser, he surveys the audience and jokingly calls attention to the one person wearing a mask, but it comes out as mearing a wask. His aides look at each other worriedly, but they don’t intervene.
Back at the White House, fatigued and coughing, he tests positive for the coronavirus. Still, he continues his disdainful tweets about Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, though he appears to think they are co-hosts of Saturday Night Live.
Fri, Oct 2: At 1 a.m., Trump tweets that he and Melania have tested positive for head colds and that they will begin Robitussin treatment immediately.
Later in the morning, his temperature reaches 103 degrees. He claims he is the commander of the Starship Enterprise. His doctors are finally able to get him to accept supplemental oxygen by telling him it’s strawberry-flavored.
That evening, he is taken to Walter Reed hospital. The doctors explain that they plan to treat him with an experimental polyclonal antibody cocktail. He resists, arguing that he has always been pro-body, but submits when his doctors emphasize the cocktail part.
Saturday, Oct 3: Trump remains at Walter Reed. During a thorough examination, the doctors discover that he never had his tonsils removed. When they mention this to him, he suggests removing them now. Surprised, they ask why. He says it’s because ice cream always goes with a tonsillectomy. They confer, but decide against it, mainly because ice cream would make him even more obese.
The doctors propose dexamethasone. He initially agrees, but changes his mind when they explain it’s a drug and not “Death to Mexicans.”
Sunday, Oct 4: Trump leaves the hospital on a brief drive-by, marveling at the huge, adoring crowd, not realizing that, in fact, it is twenty-eight actors, paid by the Republican National Committee, who, once his vehicle has passed slowly by, peel off, race ahead, plant themselves, and wave.
Monday, Oct 5: Trump returns to the White House where, standing on the portico, he ceremoniously removes his mask and his underwear.
Inside, he is hugged and kissed by delirious staffers, also non-masked, but with their underwear still on. He is excited by the welcome, but wonders why Hope Hicks, Chris Christie, Kelly Ann Conway, and Vladimir Putin aren’t there. They explain that Hope Hicks is in quarantine, Christie is in the hospital, Conway had left his staff many weeks ago, and Putin missed his connection in Vladivostok.
Staffers worry when he repeats the very same question — with the addition of Boris Johnson — ten minutes later.
Tuesday, Oct 6: He arrives for his morning meeting with staffers. The room is empty. He calls his son and son-in-law. There is no answer.
Left alone, he debates whether to declare war on Iran or have his hair styled.
He opts for the latter, but all the stylists are in quarantine. He decides to declare war on Iran, but can’t remember the Pentagon phone number. He falls asleep and dreams fitfully of beautiful women who would be naked but for their full-body masks.