For you, gathered at my bedside, wondering When already? When already? let the following apply:
Living Will: I do not wish to live in constant pain if there is no prospect of recovery. When the time comes, if Trump is still President, PULL THE PLUG! How much pain can anyone endure?
Nonetheless, if the bookies are giving good odds on impeachment and conviction, keep me alive! However that issue is resolved, let the necessary then be done and I can depart, either for heaven or hell.
Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care:
I shall be deemed incapacitated if: (1) the thought of Seinfeld’s Puffy Shirt no longer makes me laugh; (2) I am found to be tweeting without aid of a cell phone; or, (3) I offer no response to the therapy puppy frolicking on my bed and licking my face.
Especially because we think as one when it comes to Seinfeld and puppies, I appoint my spouse my attorney in this regard.
Durable General Power of Attorney: I also authorize my spouse to: (1) settle all accounts owed to me, except where the use of physical force may be necessary; (2) respond to any demand for payment as I would have, by changing her name and moving to another state.
My Last Will and Testament:
My Assets: With the exception of moneys designated for a specific purpose, as below, I leave to my spouse all my financial assets and worldly possessions to do with as she wishes, with the following specific provisos: (1) do not throw out my hockey gear immediately, but let it resolve itself naturally (as it will very quickly considering its current state) into its constituent elements; (2) destroy the 407 unpaid speeding tickets in my top drawer, behind the purple socks; (3) keep my e-mail and bank accounts open until Prince Afolabi provides confirmation that the $1 million inheritance I am due has been safely deposited.
Should my spouse pre-decease me, I leave my estate in more-or-less equal shares to those children of mine of whom I am aware. It would be nice if they carried out the three requests in the above paragraph, but I’m not banking on it.
My Remains: It is my wish that I be cremated and that my urn and I attend a hockey game in each NHL arena within a single season. Even if the score is 9-1 at the end of the first period, I wish, always, to stay until it’s over.
To that end, I designate $200,000 to pay for: the services of a companion to accompany me; air travel (including a first-class seat for each of us); hotel (separate rooms); tickets (a box seat for each); and popcorn (none for me, thanks). If there should be any funds left, let them go to the Old Hockey-Players’ Home.
Final Service: If my survivors wish to arrange a memorial service, well and good. I ask only that the use of foul language be kept to a minimum and that, if the various reminiscences about me differ substantially, the most favorable be declared the winner, if possible without recourse to intimidation or physical force.