Last year, we reported on Santa Claus as he returned home from his rounds, tired and frustrated.
We followed up last summer to see how he was doing. It wasn’t good. It was the reindeer. They were trying to organize. There was even talk of joining the Teamsters!
With Santa’s permission, we sat in on a meeting. Here is some of what we heard:
Dasher: It’s the imbalance that’s killing us. We stand around most of the year doing nothing, bored silly, and then, bam, insanity; 24 hours to cover every time zone and every house and apartment on earth.
Vixen: Well, really not every one. Don’t forget, there’s the Buddhists and the Muslims and the Jews and …
Dancer: … Yeah, so it’s only maybe 3 billion people, not 6. So, what’s the difference?
Blitzen: Look, numbers aren’t the point. It’s the wear-and-tear. We’ve gotta get it done, but at what cost? We should at least have a fitness program to get us in shape so we’re not so wiped out at Christmas.
Comet: Who’s gonna lead it? It can’t be Santa. If anybody needs a fitness program, it’s him. And if he hires some instructor, where’ll he get the money to pay?
Donner: Maybe pay with toys?
Comet: What good are toys? The instructor isn’t gonna be a kid.
Donner: Well, maybe he could sell them on e-Bay. If people knew they were real Santa toys, collectors items, they’d bring a fortune.
Cupid: The world is six-feet deep in Santa toys and you think they’d bring a fortune?!! But, wait. What the hell are we doing, talking about how we’re gonna pay some phys-ed teacher when it’s us that are the issue? What we need to do is spread Christmas out evenly over the whole year. Then our daily delivery load would be .0027 percent of what it is now.
Prancer: How do you figure?
Cupid: Just do the math. Here, look at my calculator.
Prancer: Where did you get that?
Cupid: A couple Christmases ago. It slipped out of the bag. No one missed it.
Prancer: Oy, if you’ll permit me, Vey!! Anyway … look … this is ridiculous. Even if it was a reasonable idea, which it isn’t, how would we get Christmas spread evenly throughout the year? We can’t do it. It has to be the humans. How’s that possible? The Pope would have to approve it and he’s too busy with all that Me Too stuff. And the different countries who’d have to agree are more divided than ever. I mean, look at China and Hong Kong, the Brits and the EU, America and Every Other Country in the World!
Vixen: Where do you get all that?
Prancer: The PBS News Hour.
Vixen: What!? How do you get a chance to see that?
Prancer: A TV set slipped out of the bag and …
Comet: And you were going after Cupid about a calculator?! Jesus Christ!
Donner: Amen brother! If it weren’t for Jesus, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Comet: If it weren’t for Him, we’d be standing in a blizzard on the tundra, pawing for moss and getting eaten by wolves!!!
Donner: Good point. We do have to be practical. Maybe we should recruit more reindeer and …
Rudolph: Wait a minute, wait a minute! While you guys’ve been blathering, I’ve been thinking. You know the Christmas song about me, right?
All: Yeah … so?
Rudolph: So, it made millions!
All: Yeah … so?
Rudolph: So, they did all that without my permission. That’s appropriation of my image without my consent. I’m sure it’s covered by copyright law.
Dasher: What makes you think that?
Rudolph: The PBS News Hour. And, no! I didn’t steal a TV set. Prancer lets me watch his. Anyway, we could at least check with a lawyer.
Cupid: Wow, we could all retire and just eat moss.
Blitzen: Yeah, but who’ll deliver the presents?
Cupid: I think Santa has it right. With Amazon and drones, in a few years, we’d be out of business anyway, so we may as well grab what we can while we can.
Blitzen: What will Santa do?
Cupid: A few mall appearances, a movie every other year, he’ll do fine. He can move to Hollywood. For that matter, we could too. In a few years, we’d all have to anyway. This place will be underwater.
All: In that case, let’s go for it!