There is no Edward Snowden. The mousy guy on the news, claiming that the NSA is up to no good, is really Travis Tennenbaum, a semi-employed actor.
And that isn’t the most shocking part of the story. The Obama Administration is behind the whole thing! Trust me.
Why? According to my White House sources, Obama’s been pounded by the Wikileaks scandal, and trashed by the Bradley Manning revelations. Yes, Assange is trapped in the Ecuador Embassy in London and Manning’s on trial, but Obama’s petrified that this makes them even bigger heroes to anyone else laboring in the top-secret data mines, longing for 15 seconds of fame. We’re bleeding secrets faster than we can make them, the President griped.
Staffers came up with a plan: get somebody who can do negative charisma; give him a suggestive name (Snow-den: winter, bear, hibernation); have him make up some outlandish story — like, the NSA is harvesting data on every phone call since Alexander Graham Bell; break the story when it will make a mark but then fade fast if, for example, some major race-related murder trial should crop up or a big-shot Royal have a baby; have him flee the U.S. and then vanish into a distant no-mans-land — an airport … Moscow. Put all that together and you can drain all the glam from secret-leaking and plant the seeds of doubt:
Would I be stuck in some godforsaken transit lounge, eating nothing but cabbage and boiled potatoes for the rest of my life? Would I have to wash my underpants in the mens room? How would I get the ball scores?
But here’s an even bigger bombshell: Obama got Woody Allen to script and direct the whole thing. Why? According to my showbiz sources, Woody, like all those Hollywood leftists, is a sucker for Obama. Staffers remembered a big fundraiser he threw for Obama in 2008. And, as they planned the caper, it reminded them of one of Allen’s earliest movies, Bananas.
They story-boarded the idea to Allen, who, concerned about his recent ups and downs, thought maybe this kind of crossover would recharge his batteries. He was dubious about using Putin, but Obama told him he’d keep Vladimir in line by reminding him what we could reveal about Russia’s snooping. (As it turns out, Putin gave a brilliant, if quirky, performance.)
If this thing worked, Allen realized, it could make a great movie, like the old ones his fans have been clamoring for, with himself as Snowden (who better to play a bumbler?). And, best of all, it would be fantastic free publicity for the movie.
It’s not over yet. The whole Snowden affair has to be wrapped up. They’ve got to get him out of Russia. Word on the street is Bolivia. President Morales isn’t in on the scam, but, as much as he’d like to stick it to the U.S., he wouldn’t dare admit he’d been duped, so he’ll let Tennenbaum slip away quietly. Then Woody can start filming. He’s not sure what it’ll be called, but, for now, the working title is Look Before You Leak.