Viruses dominate our lives. We shudder at the fiendish damage COVID-19, SARS, MERS, EBOLA and others cause.
But there is one virus to which we give little thought, though it, too, can spread exponentially and cause serious health problems, including labored breathing, temporary blockage of the throat and nasal passages, tearing-up of the eyes, reddening of the face, and, in the most extreme cases, stomach and chest pain.
Virus experts know it as THE JOKE.
As a public service, we here at CJC (The Center for Joke Control) periodically publish examples to which our more vulnerable citizens may be susceptible. We recognize that doing so runs the risk of exposing them to the very consequences we hope to prevent. But advising citizens of the potential danger of jokes, and providing them with proven non-lethal samples, is vital in helping build their immunity and, thus, maintaining the health of our populace.
Here is our most recent advisory bulletin:
WARNING: YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER AN ACTIVE JOKE ZONE. PLEASE BE SURE YOU ARE SEATED FIRMLY IN A STURDY CHAIR TO PREVENT YOUR FALLING ON THE FLOOR, AND THAT YOU ARE EQUIPPED WITH A HANDKERCHIEF OR TISSUE TO MINIMIZE DAMAGE TO THE EYES OR BLOCKAGE OF THE THROAT. DO NOT, DURING THE READING OF THESE SAMPLES, INGEST ANY LIQUID:
1. Guy goes to the doctor. “What’s wrong?” the doctor asks. “It hurts when I press my right finger on my left shoulder, like this.” “Anything else?” the doctor asks. “It hurts when I press my finger on my stomach, like this.” “Anything else?” “Same with my neck.” “Well, it’s obvious.” “Yes?” “You have a broken finger.”
2. A wizened rag-and-bone man pushes his cart up a city street, calling out, “Old bottles, newspapers …” From a third-floor window, a woman calls to him to come up. He does. She lets him into the apartment and asks if he’d like a cup of coffee. “Oh, okeh … tenks verah much!” One thing leads to another and they get into bed. When it’s over, she compliments him: “You’re very good at that.” “Oh, tenks verah much,” and he leaves. Back on the street, he picks up his cart and shuffles on: “Old bottles, newspapers, fucking …”
3. Old man goes to the doctor. “What’s wrong?” the doctor asks. “I can’t pee.” “How old are you?” “87.” “You’ve peed enough.”
4. Guy has a parrot with an incredibly foul mouth. He tries everything to get the parrot to stop. Nothing works. He even threatens to put it in the freezer and, when the threat fails, he does it. After about fifteen minutes in there, the parrot screams to get out. The guy opens the freezer and the parrot vows he’ll never swear again. So the guy lets him out. “One question,” the parrot says. “Yeah?” “The chicken in there.” “Yeah?” “What the hell did he do?”
5. A grandma is sitting at the seashore, by the water’s edge. Her grandson is playing in the sand beside her. Suddenly, an enormous wave comes and sweeps the child out to sea. The grandma falls to her knees, looks to the sky and cries out: “God, oh God, please, oh please, send him back, my beloved, my only grandson!” A moment of quiet … suddenly an enormous wave sweeps in again and deposits the boy on the sand beside her. She grabs the boy, hugs and kisses him, and looks him over. She pauses … looks again to the sky … “He had a hat!”
(The CJC thanks our staff member’s wonderful brother-in-law and sister, his beloved late cousin, his former Ambassador to Singapore, and one other source he can’t recall, for their generosity and joke-telling talent)