The Boss Makes a Phone Call

Tags

corruption, Giuliani, Hunter Biden, impeachment, Joe Biden, the mob, Trump, Ukraine, Zelensky

Hello.  Guido?

Yeah, this is Guido.  Who’s callin’?

It’s Vito, Guido.

Oh, Vito, yeah.  To what do I owe this honor?

Well, Guido, I gotta favor I wanna ask from you.

Sure, Vito, what’s up?

You know Zito, eh!?

Yeah, I know Zito.  So, what’s up with Zito?

Well, you know his son, Rico, eh!?

Yeah, I know Rico.  What’s up with Rico?

Well, it’s come to my attention that Rico may be runnin’ around wid  … uh … wid people he shouldn’t be  … uh … runnin’ around wid, if you get my meanin’ …

So, it’s Rico that’s the problem and, you wann us to … like … do the necessary?

No, no!  It ain’t mainly Rico we’re concerned about.  It’s Zito.  Y’see, he’s makin’ noises about leadership of the family, stirrin’ things up, if y’know what I mean, and this ain’t gonna be healthy for any of us.

Yeah, I getcha.  So, you wann us to do the necessary with Zito?

Naah!  Too dangerous.  But, if we could get the word around in the family that Rico’s got a … a … y’know, a “bad smell”  … and Zito’s protecting him … then Zito’s got a major bad-smell problem himself, and we could use that to keep a lid on things.

On things?

Y’know, on Zito!

Oh, yeah, I sorta see whatcha mean, but, y’know, “bad smell” don’t really … y’know, I mean, we all got it … so …

Yeah, but that’s only part of the whole picture.  I mean, Zito’s workin’ with other parties … if ya know what I mean … to, uhh … how can I put it? … to, uhh, deodorize the Rico thing.

Yeah, I see, so all this helps Zito make a power play!?

You got it!

So, maybe you and me should have a face-to-face to … like … discuss how we proceed?!

Naaah!  Too obvious.  Too dangerous.  I gotta keep myself above the … uhh … above the … uhh …

Law?

That goes without saying.  I mean above the … uhhh … oh yeah, above the fray, ‘cause we gotta lotta factions and, these days, ya gotta manage that, ya can’t just … uhh … how can I put it?  Let’s just say the cement-shoe-days are over … get my drift?

Yeah.  So whatta we do?

Well, I’m gonna have my consigliere … I think you know ‘im … Giulio … I’m gonna have him meet with you guys.  He knows how to deal.  He was in politics until he came over to our side …

Politics, eh?  Yeah, now that I think of it, I seen him on TV a few times.

Yeah, anyway, he knows how to handle things without the … y’know … without the rough stuff.

So, he could come over to my place and we could have a chat.

Aaah, too exposed.  We gotta be careful.  I got an idea.  Some of your guys have been to Spain, right?

Yeah.

So send somebody you trust, and they can meet Giulio there.

What?  Why not our place?  You don’t trust it.  You think maybe we’re bugged?

You can never be too careful!

Same applies to you, too, right!?  I mean, how do I know that this ain’t gonna show up on the front pages tomorrow?

Trust me.  I got this place locked up tighter than Sing Sing.

Yeah, Sing Sing.  I spent a week there one day.

I didn’t and I’m not gonna, and you’re gonna help make sure I don’t!

You’re the boss.

You got that right!

 

 

When Donald Met Vladimir

Tags

america, American politics, Crimea, Donald Trump, international relations, Make America Great Again, Make Russia Great Again, Presidential race, Russia, Syria, Ukraine, Vladimir Putin

In September 2015, while in New York for his speech to the UN General Assembly, Vladimir Putin managed to slip away unnoticed for an evening get-together with Donald Trump at Trump’s Manhattan penthouse, just the two of them, with translators. It was secret, but we have our ways … Here are some highlights:

Thank you, Donald, for the invitation. I must say, you have a remarkable place. It reminds me so much of the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg.

You’re most welcome. But, I didn’t know you’d been to Florida.

No, no, St. Petersburg in Russia, my home town. You know, the czars and all that …

Ah yes, the czars. Did you know I am often called The Czar of New York …

I’m not surprised. But, in any case, to get right to business, I congratulate you on your campaign thus far …

Yeah, I really kicked ass in that first debate … that Megyn Kelly is a real cu…….

… Yes, of course, aren’t all women, not to mention gays and other deviants. And, yes, to turn, as it were, to the opposite side of the anatomy, ass-kicking is good. As a leader, it is most important to take the initiative, be tough, give no quarter. I see those admirable qualities in you.

Thank you. In fact, you are a model to me … the way you faced down the Ukraine, the way you took the Crimea … breathtaking … it was as if I was watching myself acquiring properties in New York, New Jersey, Nevada, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Panama, Dubai …

“Acquiring properties ….” I like the ring of that. Do you mind if I use it? After all, that’s all it was. I mean, America and NATO obviously didn’t really care. And besides, Ukraine and Crimea are historically ours. But, back to your campaign. This “Make America Great Again” slogan. What, exactly, does it mean?

Well, look, it’s basically campaign talk. You know what campaigns are like.

Not really …

Well, there’s a lot of anger out there and you’d have to be a fool not to make a buck out of it.

Yes, yes, I too have captured the anger of the Russian people.

Anyway, it’s all domestic — jobs vanishing, income declining. It doesn’t mean that we can’t make arrangements. You know, a business deal … you’ve got your turf, we’ve got ours …

Like your Crips and your Bloods!?

Yeah, but hopefully not as violent. Speaking of which, I’ve been wanting to ask you about what you’re doing in Syria. I mean, I’d hate to have some ISIS wacko blow up Trump Tower.

No problem. We’re just trying to help Assad reassert his rightful sovereignty. If it means pushing ISIS out of Syria and into Europe, well, that’s Europe’s problem. And, by the way, what with the chaos in the Middle East and all those refugees creating havoc in Europe … well, there will be a lot of French and German and Swedish real estate going cheap, if you get my drift.

Mmmmm. Interesting. Stupid Euro-trash; that’s what they get for for letting in all those immigrants. But, I wanted to ask you about the pictures I’ve seen of you, bare-chested, riding a horse, swimming in a Siberian lake, wrestling a tiger. I’m really impressed and thinking maybe I should …

Well, most of it was easy; though, wrestling a tiger, I wouldn’t recommend that.

How could it be tougher than facing down the Republican establishment?

Ha ha, I see your point. But, as for Russia, it’s a land of peasants. They are easily impressed. If you look powerful, you ARE powerful. Americans are a little more sophisticated …

Nah! Look at my followers. Idiot rabble! They’ll bite at anything. They’ll vote for me, but I’d never let ‘em into any of my buildings.

So, maybe it’s true, Russia and America aren’t all that different.

You’ve got it! You know, Vlad, together, we could make Russia AND America Great Again!

Yes, Don, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

Russian Roulette

Tags

aggression, Alaska, annexation, Brooklyn, chauvinism, Crimea, ethnic cleansing, ethnic purity, invasion, militarism, Putin, Russia, Ukraine

Putin has annexed Crimea and, by the time anybody reads this, may be finishing his second helping of Chicken Kiev. What at first seemed a snack could become a banquet, with our allies, our interests, maybe even ourselves the main course.

Putin cites two fundamental principles behind his liberation theology:

(1) The right to reincorporate former Russian territory.
(2) The duty to protect ethnic Russians.

With that line of reasoning, what’s to stop him from:

Seizing Alaska: America, you have allowed Russian Orthodox churches in Alaska to deteriorate shamefully. You long ago acknowledged that your so-called purchase was folly. Eskimos may stay — after all, they are long-lost Siberian brothers. All others must leave, especially Sarah Palin.

Annexing Parts of Brooklyn: Russian occupation of Brighton Beach, Bay Ridge, Sheepshead Bay, and Midwood, previously a mere civilian, demographic fact, is now a geo-political reality. We guarantee safe passage to their own ethnic enclaves for Greek-, Italian-, Irish-, Jewish-, African-, and other non-Russian-Americans.

Liberating the Russian Tea Room: This bastardized temple of conspicuous consumption sullies the proud reputation of Russian gastronomy and culture. New Yorkers and visitors, pay attention — if you wish to savor the essence of Russia, you must obtain a visa and pay in rubles.

Bad enough, but consider the possible bandwagon effect:

France Demands Return of Louisiana Purchase:  Prime Minister Hollande cites widespread Cajun poverty and PETA threats to foie gras as justification.

Britain Presses for Cession of Original Thirteen Colonies:  Prime Minister Cameron calls position justified response to American corruption of Her Majesty’s tongue (labor for labour; See ‘ya for Cheerio; suspenders for braces; Thank you for Ta) and failure to pay for spoiled tea.  He assures Putin he will respect Russian sovereignty over Brighton Beach, Bay Ridge, Sheepshead Bay, and Midwood.

Spain Calls on U.S. to Restore Stolen Colonies: Prime Minister Rajoy singles out American treatment of Hispanics as justification. Obama objects, but signals willingness to trade Texas for Puerto Vallarta and two other minor-league resorts to be named later.

Native Americans Trump French, British, and Spanish Demands: Pointing out that they were here first, Native Americans retroactively void sale of Manhattan and file claim in International Court of Justice for rest of America (including all of Brooklyn).

It could spread:

Pakistan Gobbles Up Bangladesh; India Reincorporates Pakistan; Great Britain Reclaims India; Celts Take Over Great Britain; Knicks Beat Celts in Overtime.

Austro-Hungarian Empire Reasserts Claim To Czech Republic, Slovakia, Serbia, Bosnia, Croatia, Slovenia, Romania, Italy and Any Remaining Territory We’ve Inadvertently Left Out.

Holy Roman Empire Seizes Austria-Hungary and, just for the hell of it, Greenland.

All things considered, it might be best to stop matters before this all becomes a dog’s breakfast.

Crimea River

Tags

Borodin, Carnival Cruises, Crimea, EU, invasion, Kiev, militia, norovirus, Odessa, Putin, Russia, Russian troops, Sevastopol, Stalin, Ukraine, Yanukovych

Normally, when an international crisis breaks out, Uncle Sam calls me.  This time, however, with the Ukraine situation just begging for the catchy title I’ve been saving for decades, I called him and lobbied for the job.

I got some hemming, but no hawing, and I knew I was in.  I packed quickly and still had time to scrape a little rust off my Russian at a Met matinee of Prince Igor (boy, did Borodin steal a shitload from Kismet.)

The next morning, I landed in Odessa, hoping to get to Sevastopol.  I managed to wangle a berth on a Carnival Line cruise doing the Black Sea.  My plans seemed scuttled when they announced they were canceling their Sevastopol stop, but, never at a loss and never without my emergency cosmetic kit, I colored myself a sickly bluish-white and, at the height of dinner, collapsed next to the fruit salad.

It worked like a charm and, faster than you could shout NOROVIRUS!! the captain did a u-turn into Sevastopol harbor, slammed on the brakes, and we were besieged by local health officials.

I took advantage of the chaos to slip down the gangplank, disguised as a bedpan, and made it into town.  Here’s a taste of the situation:

Florists are completely sold out.  The regional FTD rep explains that the locals are hedging their bets by putting flowers into every gun-barrel they encounter. Roses are preferred, but even yesterday’s baby’s breath is acceptable.

Tours of the Russian naval base are cancelled.  A handwritten sign reads:  To protect our patriotic sailors against nefarious Western plotting, the base is closed until further notice.  The word Western appears to have been hastily scribbled over the word I-m-p-(letter indistinct)-r-i-(letter indistinct)-l-i-s-t.

Tramping the city streets, I hear clanging noises.  I follow the sound and, in a large square, come upon a group of self-desribed Technical College blacksmithing students, beating plowshares into swords.

In another part of town, armed, helmeted men, who identify themselves as Department of Public Works employees, are meticulously cleaning defaced Yanukovych posters.

The Bolshoi has just arrived in town.  I go to see Swan Lake, which is reasonably well done.  The Black Swan, appropriately, carries a Kalashnnikov, but the White Swan’s army boots just don’t work.

Walking along the shore, I encounter hundreds of swimmers in wet-suits, goggles, snorkels, and fins emerging from the water.  An official explains, Just the local Polar Bear Club, before he hurries me away.

In the market, I buy a Russian nesting doll.  When I open it, inside is a business-suited-Putin; inside him, Yeltsin; inside Yeltsin, Brezhnev; and then, Stalin, who looks stern, but pleased.

Conclusions:

The situation is calm but mildly unsettling.  Russia claims that armed individuals patrolling the streets (including the blacksmiths with swords that still have cow-shit on them) are simply local militia, called out to restore order.  Restore what order?  It’s a bloody love-fest (report has it that there isn’t a virgin left on the peninsula).

And, if the claim is true, why has the Loyal and Independent Republic of Crimea granted them immediate citizenship? Perhaps more fundamental, what is this Loyal and Independent Republic of Crimea and who’s behind it?  And where does Stalin figure in all this?

With so many questions still to pursue, I’ll need more time, and more spending money (flowers are a useful door-opener, but the price has skyrocketed).  Make sure payment is in rubles.