In September 2015, while in New York for his speech to the UN General Assembly, Vladimir Putin managed to slip away unnoticed for an evening get-together with Donald Trump at Trump’s Manhattan penthouse, just the two of them, with translators. It was secret, but we have our ways … Here are some highlights:
Thank you, Donald, for the invitation. I must say, you have a remarkable place. It reminds me so much of the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg.
You’re most welcome. But, I didn’t know you’d been to Florida.
No, no, St. Petersburg in Russia, my home town. You know, the czars and all that …
Ah yes, the czars. Did you know I am often called The Czar of New York …
I’m not surprised. But, in any case, to get right to business, I congratulate you on your campaign thus far …
Yeah, I really kicked ass in that first debate … that Megyn Kelly is a real cu…….
… Yes, of course, aren’t all women, not to mention gays and other deviants. And, yes, to turn, as it were, to the opposite side of the anatomy, ass-kicking is good. As a leader, it is most important to take the initiative, be tough, give no quarter. I see those admirable qualities in you.
Thank you. In fact, you are a model to me … the way you faced down the Ukraine, the way you took the Crimea … breathtaking … it was as if I was watching myself acquiring properties in New York, New Jersey, Nevada, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Panama, Dubai …
“Acquiring properties ….” I like the ring of that. Do you mind if I use it? After all, that’s all it was. I mean, America and NATO obviously didn’t really care. And besides, Ukraine and Crimea are historically ours. But, back to your campaign. This “Make America Great Again” slogan. What, exactly, does it mean?
Well, look, it’s basically campaign talk. You know what campaigns are like.
Not really …
Well, there’s a lot of anger out there and you’d have to be a fool not to make a buck out of it.
Yes, yes, I too have captured the anger of the Russian people.
Anyway, it’s all domestic — jobs vanishing, income declining. It doesn’t mean that we can’t make arrangements. You know, a business deal … you’ve got your turf, we’ve got ours …
Like your Crips and your Bloods!?
Yeah, but hopefully not as violent. Speaking of which, I’ve been wanting to ask you about what you’re doing in Syria. I mean, I’d hate to have some ISIS wacko blow up Trump Tower.
No problem. We’re just trying to help Assad reassert his rightful sovereignty. If it means pushing ISIS out of Syria and into Europe, well, that’s Europe’s problem. And, by the way, what with the chaos in the Middle East and all those refugees creating havoc in Europe … well, there will be a lot of French and German and Swedish real estate going cheap, if you get my drift.
Mmmmm. Interesting. Stupid Euro-trash; that’s what they get for for letting in all those immigrants. But, I wanted to ask you about the pictures I’ve seen of you, bare-chested, riding a horse, swimming in a Siberian lake, wrestling a tiger. I’m really impressed and thinking maybe I should …
Well, most of it was easy; though, wrestling a tiger, I wouldn’t recommend that.
How could it be tougher than facing down the Republican establishment?
Ha ha, I see your point. But, as for Russia, it’s a land of peasants. They are easily impressed. If you look powerful, you ARE powerful. Americans are a little more sophisticated …
Nah! Look at my followers. Idiot rabble! They’ll bite at anything. They’ll vote for me, but I’d never let ‘em into any of my buildings.
So, maybe it’s true, Russia and America aren’t all that different.
You’ve got it! You know, Vlad, together, we could make Russia AND America Great Again!
Yes, Don, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!