A century ago, the Bible was the moral and metaphorical lodestar for many Americans: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God” (Matthew 9:24); “The Good Samaritan” (Luke 10:25-37); “The Patience of Job” (James 4); “Eat my shorts” (Bart 12:22)
These Biblical lessons and expressions are still part of our makeup and our vocabulary. But, to me, who spends more time watching Seinfeld re-runs than my grandmother spent reading Genesis, Seinfeld is an equally rich source of moral insight and memorable catch-phrase, with a lot more laughs than Leviticus.
I suspect I am not alone. This may say something about the future of America, but I judge not (that I be not judged). I simply report what I see, and seek to understand the implications for the common weal. Let us consider, in no apparent order of logic or importance:
Love: Bible: “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Romans 13:9); Seinfeld: “What’s the matter?” “It’s Patty.” “… you break up with a girl every week.” “What … what is this salty discharge?” “Oh my God. You’re crying.” “This is horrible! I care!” (Elaine & Jerry: the Serenity Now episode; 97-98 season, episode #159, hereinafter Serenity Now 97-8:159)
Hate: Bible: “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” (Matthew 5:38); Seinfeld: “No soup for you!” (The Soup Nazi 95-6:115)
Good: Bible: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works.” (Hebrews 10:24); Seinfeld: “Who else would’ve gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I AM special. My mother was right.” (Jerry, thinking about his advice to Babu Bhatt: The Cafe 91-2: 24)
Evil: Bible: “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” (Matthew 7:15); Seinfeld: “Newman!!!” (Various)
Acceptance: Bible: “To everything there is a season, and time to every purpose under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:18); Seinfeld: “But I don’t WANT to be a pirate.” (Jerry: The Puffy Shirt 93-4:66)
Human Sexuality: Bible: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” (Leviticus 18:22); Seinfeld: “There’s been a big misunderstanding here … we’re not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” (Jerry (and George): The Outing 92-3:57)
Human Shortcomings: Bible: “How are the mighty fallen and the weapons of war perished!” (Samuel 1:27); Seinfeld: “I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold …” “Oh, you mean … shrinkage.” “Yes. Significant shrinkage!” (George & Jerry: The Hamptons 93-4:85)
Solidarity: Bible: “And Jesus … said unto them … every city or house divided against itself shall not stand.” (Matthew 12:25); Seinfeld: “If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George. A George divided against itself cannot stand.” (George: The Pool Guy 95-6:118)
Family: Bible: “But if anyone does not provide for … members of his household, he has denied the faith …” (1 Timothy 5:8); Seinfeld: “Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum.” (Izzy, Izzy Jr, Izzy Sr: The English Patient 96-7:151)
Charity: Bible: “ … remember the words of the Lord Jesus, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” (Acts 20:35); Seinfeld: “There’s something strange about this girl … she’s too good … I mean she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others – I can’t be with someone like that.” (Jerry: The Sponge 95-6:119)
Balm: Bible: “Is there no balm in Gilead?” (Jeremiah 8:22); Seinfeld: “You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn’t tell you to put the balm on. Why’d you put the balm on? … If you’re gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put the balm on.” (Kramer’s lawyer, Jackie, to Kramer: The Maestro 95-6:113)
Honesty: Bible: “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make ye free.” (John 8:32); Seinfeld: “Just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.” (George: The Beard 94-5:102)
Self-Control: Bible: “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41); Seinfeld: “ … my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I’m letting him win.” (Jerry: The Nose Job 91-2:26)
Self-Gratification: Bible: “And Onan … when he went in to his brother’s wife … spilled his seed on the ground …” (Genesis 38:9); Seinfeld: “I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park.” (George’s mother, to George: The Contest 92-3:51)
The Staff of Life: Bible: “And Jesus said unto them, ‘I am the bread of life.’ ” (John 6:35); Seinfeld: “Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint, it’s delicious … it’s very refreshing.” (Jerry & Kramer: The Junior Mints 92-3:60)
Compassion: Bible: “And the Lord said unto Cain, where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Genesis 4:9); Seinfeld: “So you feel ‘women and children first’ … is … an antiquated notion … it’s every man, woman, child and invalid for themselves.” “In a manner of speaking.” (Jerry & George: The Fire 93-4:84)
Justice: Bible: “Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians VI); Seinfeld: (All four watch and joke as a carjacking takes place) Police Officer: “You’re under arrest.” Elaine: “ … No, no, we didn’t do anything.” Officer: “That’s exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger … it’s called the Good Samaritan Law. Let’s go.” (Finale, Part I 97-8:179)
Apart from some of the more theologically abstruse questions like the Holy Ghost and the Virgin Birth, the Bible does a good, common-sense job of grappling with the dilemmas of daily life, and tosses in a lot of quotable quotes. Who could argue with being loving, peaceful, truthful, charitable, compassionate, honest, rational, self-controlled, and just?
Seinfeld covers much the same moral ground as the Bible, but in its own Bizarro World — lustful, dishonest, selfish, petty, superficial, self-gratifying — what most of us would like to be if we could avoid the consequences of our misguided ways. It’s true that occasionally Jerry & Co. say they would like to do the right thing — “… we’re like children…” “Why can’t I be normal?” “It would be nice to care about someone.” “Yes! Yes! Care!” (The Engagement 95-6:111), but we know they don’t really mean it.
Such flouting of our God-given norms probably should dismay me. But, like staring at cleavage (The Shoes 92-3: 56), I can’t stop watching the depravity. I like to think that observing such bad behavior is a catharsis that will open me to the Bible’s moral lessons. It hasn’t happened yet, and, if I don’t change my ways soon, I’ll probably burn in Hell
, “with devils and all those caves, and the ragged clothing.” (The Burning; 97-8: 172) It’ll be tough, but there’s a reasonable chance Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer will be there and, if we can still laugh at “No soup for you” or “Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum,” I think we can bear it together. As the Rabbi, the Priest, and the Minister said as they walked into the bar, “A Good Laugh Assuageth Sin.” (John 06:28:2012)
Won’t you be mine
Oh Valentine
Please say you will
Or I’ll be ill.
I’m praying you’ll say
You possibly may
Though, given my luck,
I’ll simply upchuck.
The problem with fleas
And the pop in my knees
All are in check
So …. what the heck.
Look and you’ll see
I’m now dander-free
I’m cute and I’m well
So …. what the hell.
I lie here and wait
Unsure of my fate
Equal parts, hope
Equal parts, mope.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And, hoping for at least a text,
I waited longer than I should
Besnowed, besleeted where I stood
Becalmed, bereft and mildly vexed.
You could at least have let me know;
You had the time to send a tweet
I’m there accumulating snow
It’s nearing twenty-one below
And I can’t even feel my feet!
But as my rose (for you) drooped dead
A car approached with welcome news
Its ermined driver, smiling, said
“Seems you could use a nice warm bed.”
An offer I could not refuse!
When I think of the effort put into my verse
And the money I spend on you out of my purse
For fine TV dinners
And sure Lotto winners
I expect something better … or at least nothing worse.
