On a recent weekend, when President Trump was supposedly at Mar-a-Lago, he was actually in Pyongyang, meeting with North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un. The two met privately and secretly, but we have our ways:
Hi, Kim, if I can call you by your first-name.
Then you should say, Hi, Jong Un.
But that’s last.
Kim is the family name. It’s an Asian thing to put family first.
Wow, you guys are … But, yes, family first is vital! Have you seen my daughter Ivanka and her new line? I have a pic …
… Perhaps that could wait upon more important matters.
Jeez, I gotta say, your English is really really wonderfully wonderful. Voice of America? Berlitz? Rosetta Stone?
No, international school, Switzerland.
Aaah yes — nuns and singing and Heidi, or was that Maria?
You got one out of four. Switzerland isn’t Austria.
It isn’t? Anyway, Jong Un, I’ll get right to the point. We’re following your nuclear and missile programs superlatively closely, and I want to see if we can make a deal … something I’m hugely and most excellently deservedly famous fo …
… Oh, you mean like the deal where your Chinese real estate partners screwed you out of hundreds of millions?
Those goddam Chinks, if they think … Oh, sorry, I …
That’s all right. We too call them Chinks.
So, anyway, on the nuclear and missile thing, we’ve heard rumors that you could reach the West Coast with ‘em …
… And you think you can persuade me to abandon this vital strategic effort just like that!?
No, no. Remember I said “deal.” I know you’ve got a lot riding on this program and need a way to prove it really works. It’s no secret, judging from the many political and military figures you’ve had to … uh … ki … uh … deal firmly with, that your position is not exactly secure, if I may be blunt.
So, get to the point.
Well, I’m having a lot of trouble with Hollywood, you know, those smug, elitist leftists like Alec Baldwin and Samantha Bee and Bill Maher, and I was thinking maybe, y’know, make ’em glow in the dark, if you get my drift.
You actually want us to … ? But, hold on, Hollywood is just a concept. Certainly, not all of them live there, and, even those who do, who knows if they’d be home?
Maybe all of Los Angeles then just to be sure? Or invite them to a party and use something more ‘tactical’?
That’s … uh … impractical, and besides, what’s to prevent you from using that as an excuse to launch a retaliatory strike?
Scouts’ honor. And hey, who’s Commander-in-Chief?
Yes, but for how long? With all these Russian revelations, your position, too, is … how did you put it? … not exactly secure. No, can’t do it. But we do have much more discreet ways to deal with troublemakers.
Oh, like your brother and that airport thing in Malaysia?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Yeah, I see. So, it’s a deal?
Deal? What deal? What do we get in return?
Oh yeah, I forgot. Well, how about coal, for starters. I know the Chinese have cut off coal exports to you. We’ve got lots of coal that’s just sitting here unburned, and lots of miners I’ve promised to put back to work.
Hmmm. It’s worth a thought.
Great. Let’s have our people work out the details. And speaking of details, have you considered a new hair style? Mine, for example, it really stands out.
You think mine doesn’t? But I’d look ridiculous as a pouffed blonde.
No, no, not that. Black is beautiful. But maybe something that looks a little less like a ten-second boot-camp buzzcut; tease it a little and let it sweep back on the sides, very leaderly, if that’s a word.
Anyway, I’ll have Mr. Phyllis — that’s my stylist — get in touch. Oh, and by the way, I know you’re a big basketball fan and, with March Madness and all, I was wondering who you’ve got, y’know, for the office pool.
Well, the guys in the Politburo like to wait until the finals are over, and I get to pick the winner. It’s sort of like your Electoral College. Ha ha!
Yeah, tell it to Hillary! Anyway, let’s stay in touch.