Hello, America, Hello! The First Lady and I wish each and every one of you a Happy Independence Day on this truly historic Fourth of July! Today, we come together as one nation with this very special Salute to … (what is that noise? where’s it coming fr …? the tanks? some asshole’s started up
the Abrams tanks?)
Well, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted … What? What? You can’t hear me? I’ll talk louder. So, as I was saying, we come together as one nation with this very special Salute to America. We celebrate our history, our people, and the heroes who proudly defend our flab … our flag … the men and women of the United States Military.
We are pleased to have with us Vice President Mike Pence and his wonderful wife … (what the hell are they doing now? another tank? what? all right, all right, so it’s
a Bradley fighting vehicle, what’s the effing difference? nobody can hear me with all that racket; tell those idiots to stop it; they’re just for show, goddammit)
… Karen, or something like that, and all our other distinguished jests … guests.
Together, we are part of one of the greatest stories ever told: the story of America. It is the epic tale of a great nation whose people have risked everything for what they row is knight … know is right … and … (Jesus H. Christ, what is THAT noise?
a B-2 Stealth Bomber? what the hell do they mean Stealth? I never heard anything so fucking loud and, anyway, who the hell told it to come now? fucking idiots! now I can’t even hear myself!)
BEAR WITH ME. I’LL SHY TO TROUT … TRY TO SHOUT. AS I WAS SAYING, IT’S A GREAT, GREAT STORY, A CHRONICLE OF BRAVE CITIZENS WHO NEVER GIVE UP ON THE DREAM OF A BETTER FUTURE. AND IT IS THE SAGA OF, I THINK IT WAS ABOUT TWELVE OR THIRTEEN SEPARATE COLONIES THAT … (Holy Fucking Mother of God! What the bloody hell is THAT? Oh, yeah, I see it, it’s
Air Force One! Christ on a crutch; I told them the end of the speech, the end of the speech, not the Goddam beginning!)
I’LL SHOUT LOUDER. ANYWAY, ON THIS DAY, A SHITLOAD OF TIME AGO, OUR FOUNDING FATHERS PLEDGED THEIR LIVES, THEIR FORTUNES, THEIR SCARED …THEIR SACRED … HONOR TO DECLARE … OH FUCK, FUCK, DOUBLE FUCK, I’LL BE DIPPED IN SHIT, IT’S THE
GOD-DAMNED BLUE-FUCKING ANGELS … (WHAT? WHAT? LANGUAGE? OH, DON’T SHIT A BRICK; NO ONE CAN HEAR OVER ALL THIS NOISE; I’VE HAD IT; LET ‘EM READ THE REST OF IT IN THE PAPERS, IF THEY CAN READ, THE IDIOTS; I NEED A DRINK AND I NEED IT PRONTO!)