Santa’s Night Out

Tags

Amazon, Christmas, drones, ICE, immigration, Mexico, Mrs. Claus, Santa Claus

It’s not that easy being Santa — working on an impossibly tight deadline to meet the fevered expectations of millions of kids; managing a workshop of strong-willed elves; keeping a reindeer herd in shape for an exhausting, once-a-year marathon.

But that’s not the half of it:

 

(Early Christmas morning)

Dearest, I’m home.

(From the kitchen).  Make sure to take off your boots.  You must be famished.  I’m making breakfast — oatmeal and waffles and pancakes and eggs and sausage and toast and …

Dammit, she never learns.  (Entering the kitchen)  My dear, you know I always get home absolutely stuffed with cookies and milk.  I couldn’t possibly …

And you know that, every year, I tell you to toss your cookies … in the waste basket, of course … and pour the milk down the drain.  You’re not getting any slimmer and, besides, who knows how much time you waste having a pee and taking a …

Please, dear, the elves can hear.

All right, all right.  Just have a cup of coffee.  I can give the food to the elves.  So, how was your trip?

Well, it’s not getting any easier.

Yes, you are getting older.

No, that’s not it.

So?  

Well, drones, for one thing.  I mean, competition with Amazon is tough enough, and now they’re using drones to deliver.  How can I compete?

But millions have faith in you.  After all, Amazon is not a saint.  You are!

Yeah, but they depend on Amazon; they trust it; they love it.  Isn’t that worship?  Isn’t that faith?  What else does it take to be a saint?

In case you forgot:  a miracle and, of course, the Pope and the Vatican.

Not the way they’re headed.  Anyway, the drone problem isn’t just the competition.  It’s getting dangerous up there.  Even kids are flying them.  There’s no regulation.  As we were coming into St. Louis, one ran smack into us.  It hit Rudolph right on the nose!

You mean …?

Yeah, everything went dark.  I had to do an instrument landing.  

Thank goodness you had that!

Well, yes, but it alerted the military, and they called the police, and the police called ICE and …

They have ice, like us?

No, it’s Immigration and Customs Enforcement.  Anyway, they wanted to see my visa and I told them, “I don’t need no stinkin’ visa!”

Wow, so you got to use your “Treasure of the Sierra Madre” imitation?

Yes, but I think that may have been a mistake.  First of all, they didn’t buy the Santa Claus thing.  One of the cops thought he’d seen me at the mall; he didn’t even catch the accent joke and thought I sounded drunk, and wanted to do a breathalyzer, but the ICE guys figured I really was Mexican.  They wanted to hold me as an illegal alien, and then somebody checked the reindeer, saw how exhausted they were, and wanted to call animal control.  At that point, I just decided, “I’m finished with this God-damned country and all its suspicion and hostility.  I don’t care how many kids are disappointed; there are enough kids in enough other countries who appreciate what I do.  The hell with America.”

 So how did you get out of it?

I just made us all invisible and headed straight for Mexico.

Why Mexico?

Well, they’re not disgustingly rich like the Americans.  Maybe that’s the difference that makes them really appreciate me!  It was a love-fest!

Saints preserve us!

Don’t hold your breath!

We Lost It, But Let’s Not Completely Lose It!

Tags

elections, Electoral College, Hillary Clinton, immigration, popular vote, Presidency, States Rights, the South, Trump

Snatching victory from the jaws of defeat is laudable. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory is lamentable. Snatching defeat from the jaws of defeat is laughable, but a few of us liberals apparently want to give it a try.

One way to do it is to urge Trump’s Presidential Electors to vote their conscience. Conscience!? Our whole campaign was based on the premise that Trump and his acolytes have no conscience. Why would they be different now, after they’ve won? (Perhaps we want to make them die laughing?)

Even if there might be a few who would forsake the darkness for the light, who’s to say that the call of conscience might not persuade as many Hillary supporters, drawn by the aroma of victory, to cross in the other direction? We liberals may think of ourselves as angels, but we shouldn’t forget that Lucifer was simply an angel who saw an attractive job-opening.

There’s something more serious in this spasm of mindlessness. One of the pillars of our opponents‘ temple is States Rights, a philosophy that, though grounded in the Constitution, has reeked of bigotry, injustice, and violence since the Civil War.

The Electoral College is, in a way, a protector of States Rights, designed originally to keep the Union intact by giving the less populous states of the South greater political weight than their raw popular vote would have warranted. In this election, States Rights states, in the South and beyond, were, by and large, Trump states.

To a liberal, for whom the Federal Government is usually a better guarantor of consistency, fairness and justice than is the theology of States Rights (remember civil rights legislation), it might seem nonsensical to favor the Electoral College over the popular vote. The alternative, however, would radicalize these angry states, drive them further to the right, and into the arms of the Voldemort also known as Texas.

Another good way to discredit our liberal principles would be to support the stated intent of some city and state political leaders not to cooperate with, possibly even to stymie, Federal immigration efforts now that Trump is to be President. It was only a couple years ago that we were blasting Arizona, and the notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio, for interfering in immigration policies which, we argued, were the prerogative of the Federal Government.

Have these policies suddenly devolved to the individual states, each with its own policy and border control? Have liberals become States Righters? Just because there are fundamental moral issues involved doesn’t mean we should change our strategic position that, over the course of time, the Federal Government is the best bet for giving moral principles the force of law.

If you lose the game, you don’t change the rules so that they favor your particular weaknesses. You remedy the weaknesses. The Cubs got a new front office, a new manager, new players, a new attitude. They didn’t pout, at least not for long.

OK, so the Presidency isn’t as important as the World Series. But pretend it is. Otherwise, it could be 108 years before we get back to the White House. That’s a long time to pout.

Mr. Obama, Tear Down This Wall!

Tags

American decline, American workers, Berlin Wall, Border Fence, graduates, illegal emigrants, illegal immigrants, immigration, Mexican workers, Mexico on the rise, underemployment, unemployment

The Soviets’ Berlin Wall was designed to keep East Germans from sneaking out. Our Barrio Barricade is to keep Mexicans from sneaking in, but a wall works both ways and would be just as effective in keeping Americans from sneaking into Mexico.

That’s not much of a threat now.  The things that tempt Mexicans to sneak into the United States — our stronger economy, our stable political system, our personal security — are precisely the things that induce Americans not to sneak into Mexico.

But, who’s to say things couldn’t change?

Mexico’s economy is growing.  Its political system, having tossed out the old, corrupt ruling party before warily allowing it back in, is maturing.  Security is still problematic.  Headless corpses on the sidewalk are a nuisance, but the cocaine trade will wither, along with the cartels and their violence, as Americans turn from cocaine to Made-in-the-USA designer drugs.

America’s economy is limping.  We are recovering from the Great Recession, but global competition suggests that our best days may be behind us.  Our political system is showing signs of wear, and economic decline will intensify partisan battles.  If the NRA continues to hold sway and the evening news becomes Gunfight at the OK Corral, who’s to say our body-count of tomorrow won’t rival Mexico’s of today?

The Recession, which significantly reduced illegal Mexican immigration, showed that it wouldn’t take much to tilt this see-saw toward the south. What if:

The Chinese and other economic tigers, looking for cheap labor and tariff-free access to American markets, poured investment into Mexico that lured our Mexicans home?

Our economy collapsed because, with Mexicans gone, American workers exhausted their labors shoveling their own sidewalks, mowing their own lawns, even picking their own grapes?

Young American graduates who couldn’t find jobs here and New Yorkers, forced to flee rising sea-levels, saw work, or simply dry land, beckoning just across the border?

Mexico decided it had to protect its workers against cheap American labor, its hard-won security against flouters of the law, and the purity of its language and culture against the coarse, mono-lingual northerners?

What if our good fence does not, after all, make good neighbors, or even good policy?

Do the right thing, Mr. Obama, and Tear Down This Wall!