Mom and Dad were word people. They loved the weird inventions that the idiosyncrasies of English invited (one of their favorite books along these lines was “Anguish Languish”). They also loved the snarls and traps this strange tongue set for the unwary. After all, what fun was a language as strict as a knuckle-rapping nun?
Here are two letters they especially loved, rendered exactly as written (including the abrupt drop-off-a-cliff ending of the second):
1. Typed, undated, but probably from the ‘40s or ‘50s; sent to Mom’s mother (aka, my maternal grandmother):
Dear Mrs. Weir,
Well I am home. I came out yesterday at 3 P.M. and went to bed as I have to stay in bed for a while. As I have a sweel cold along with this. So I wont be out wandering around for a couple of weeks. I have set up twice about 1 1/2 hrs. each time.
You don’t need to call Dr. Hart any more to find out about me. As he will not be seeing me. No one would of seen me now if I would of listened to Kubelick’s and waited a couple of weeks fro Dr. Miller. As I would of been planted by now. If they would of knew on tuesday nite when I went in how bad this case was going to be they would of cut me open then. Dr. Hart said they got me in time if I’d waiting a day or so. It would of been to late then.
Then on top of it all I have a swell cold to doctor and boy its awful coughing. Then also my heart went from 72 to 52 and they had a time with that. Had two nurses, a sister and doctor with me. They fussed over a half hour to get me to come out. I guess the hospital bunch and my cousin was on needles and pins for fear I would say So Long.
They cut me longer than they do any other ones. The appendix had grown on the back of lower bowel and the end was blown up like a balloon and was pusey. So I had had something. My last week of work was to much for me and my nerves we all shot.
So I wont be back to work in July at all and I don’t think before Sept. 1st As I can’t go up and downstairs. No lifting pushing or shoveing and I have to get these nerves settled before I get a breakdown. Have you heard from Kubelicks. No I haven’t.
I’m writing this in bed and its awful hard for me. Is their any mail for me. Hows everyone. How are the Roses. Are they opening up. I had beautiful flower and lots of them and all kinds of fruit cards and candy. So Long Nell.
2. Handwritten, from a French gentleman who stayed with Mom and Dad in the summer of 1978:
Dear John and Ellen,
After one stay in New York or to find one hot big my travel of return accomplished into of good to condition!
After some days of fatigue to due out change various of spindle time me here I am at home for redige my letter for you.
My stay among yourself at enchantress, east with pleasure whom my to make for you discovery of Etat of New York aux gardens le green pleasant at admirer in particular your pleasant town of Casanovia whom you to tame at to love.
Thank you to provide welcome warm which at allowed of my to believe at my in your nice mansion.
My nostalgia of for days to pass in your company serez glad to see you (Happy) to have again enjoy of you to see again.
My no to forget to stop evening after dinner before Television to look one Base Ball match to taste delicious … Ice cream!
But to hope good before return to come you to have enjoy to receive my friends of Casanovia in my countries at Paris.
Dear John and Ellen in you to express good health in particular Ellen suffering at day my departure regret you to leave believe all my friendsh at soon.
I am sorry to write no good. To excuse my
And there it ends. Mom and Dad, and the whole family, were so taken with this letter that we began calling their modest home, which was NOT a mansion, Enchantress East.