(President Trump places a long-distance call to the Office of the Prime Minister of Denmark)
Hello, hello, is this Marty Fredricks?
Mette Frederiksen, and who is this?
It’s Donald Trump.
Ah, yes, Donald, how nice to hear from you. To what do I owe the pleasure of this auspicious occasion?
Oh yeah, right, well, to keep it simple from this end, Marty …
Yep, sorry, these Scandinavian names are confusing … and shouldn’t your last name end in something like “… dottir” since you’re a daughter and not a “… son”?
Well, technically, I’m a “… sen” but that gender distinction is no longer relevant, and we should …
Women’s lib, eh?
You could say we’re way ahead of you, but, no matter, what is the reason for your call?
Yes, of course, to get right to the point, for which I’m exceptionally famous: I want to buy Greenland!
Want to buy Greenland.
Uhhhh … what in the world for? A hotel? A golf course? Both?
Hmmm … that’s an interesting idea … but, no, it’s not really for me, it’s for the incredibly wonderful people of the United States.
So, you really mean, “We, America, would like to buy Greenland.”
Hey, you’re sharp. You got it in one.
Of course I’m sharp. I got elected without any help from Russia.
No need to be nasty.
Anyway, why would America like to buy Greenland?
Well, y’know, with that polar ice-thing melting, the whole strategic situation up there in the … in the …
I thought it was “Artic,” like in “Article” …
No, it’s Arctic, as in Noah’s Ark.
Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact, you could say the situation’s pretty much the same as the Ark, with water rising and all that stuff.
So, your objective in buying Greenland is to save its animals?
No. What’s a few polar bears? Actually, what I’m worried about is the Russians, and maybe even the Chinese, taking advantage of new sea routes opening up, up there, and maybe using Greenland as a base of operations, and threatening us.
By “us,” I presume you’re including all of your NATO allies, and other like-minded countries.
Ummm … that’s an interesting point … I … uhhh …
So, what you’re saying is that you haven’t given any thought to your NATO allies, including Denmark, and that you don’t trust us, whose soldiers have fought and died alongside yours, to help defend Greenland on our mutual behalf?
But you don’t really spend very much on NATO …
Have you recently checked the percentage of our GDP spent on NATO compared to yours?
Well, our economy is growing so amazingly fast that our percentage, naturally, goes down temporarily, though …
… Though the recession you’re facing will solve that? Good luck! But, never mind. More important, are you telling me that, after years of poo-pooing climate change, you actually believe it’s a reality?
Well, you know, a businessman’s gotta protect his interests against all possibilities …
But you’re not a businessman now. You’re the President … the President of the United States!
Yeah, but it isn’t forever …
(God bless America!)
… and I gotta think about my investments.
So, it really is about golf courses and hotels on Greenland once all the ice has melted and submerged Mar a Lago and your other resorts.
Look, Marty, just between you and I …
Damn it, it’s Mette, and, by the way, it’s “you and me!”
(Christ, she really is nasty!) Anyway, METTE, between you and me, if you sell it to us, you’ll always have a penthouse suite and a place to play golf. But, I gotta get goin’ to the G-7 meeting. I think it’s in France. Oh, and I don’t think I’ll be able to fit in that visit to Denmark. But do think it over. Bye …
(And this is the leader of the Free World!?)