Noah Gets a Call

Tags

animals, climate change, environmental disaster, extinction, God, Noah, plants, QE2, the Ark, the Flood

(God calls Noah, who is dozing in his rocking-chair)

Noah, it’s God.

Oh God!  I mean, Oh …… God!  You caught me by surprise.  What’s up?

I’ll get right to the point.  It’s the humans again.

You mean fornicating and idol-worshiping and all that?

Not exactly.  I’ve given up worrying about those kinds of things.  Actually, scientific studies suggest that fornication, in moderation, is an important part of healthy procreation, which is why I put them on Earth, though, considering what they’ve been up to lately — changing the climate and possibly killing off the life-forms I created — maybe letting them procreate wasn’t such a great idea.

But I thought I saw in some crazy blog that you solved the climate change problem a few months ago by showing them what the world would be like without a sky or trees or birds, or especially dogs.

Yeah, it worked for a little while, but it didn’t stick.  Now they’re back to their old “screw the environment, let’s party” ways.

So you’re planning to get rid of them?

Yep, and I’ll need help!

Tell me you’re not going to have me build another Ark, with all that monkey business and horseshit!  With my back, I just can’t shovel it anymore.

No … at least not precisely … but sort of.  Y’see, there are a lot more species of animals around than in the old days when you took your cruise …

It wasn’t a cruise, it was a business trip!

Just teasing you.  Anyway, a single little Ark won’t be enough.  We’re going to need a lot more space for the animals, and also for all the plant species we’ll have to save.  After all, plants are living things, and the animals will need them for food and shelter.

So, I’d need maybe three or four Arks?  I think I could manage that.  I’ve still got some timbers from before, out behind the garage, and the plans are somewhere in my desk, and, of course, with all the begetting, my family is much much larger, so they could help.

I’m afraid it’s a lot more complicated.  There are millions of animal species and hundreds of thousands of kinds of normal plants, not to mention algae and mosses and liverworts and …

Liverwurst??!!  That far I will not go.  On a crowded Ark, that stuff smells worse than horseshit.

No, liverworts are a kind of plant.  Anyway, the point is we’re going to need many thousands of ships, each the size of … say … the QE2.

What’s a QE2?

It’s a sort of enormous cruise ship, with lots of parties and liquor and dancing girls and…

You’re back on that cruise ship thing again?  And now with sinfulness?!  No, I won’t have anything to do with it!

Take it easy.  That’s just what they’re like now.  We’d only use them because they’re big and we’d refit them … though, I admit, it’s pretty diverting to think of a ship’s ballroom filled with dancing lions and tigers and bears.

“Oh my!” I’m tempted to say, but I won’t.  So, I’d have to refit the ones that exist and then build thousands of these things that are God knows how many cubits bigger than the Ark?  But I’m not a QE2 person, I’m an Ark person. 

Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging.  There are lots of shipbuilders.  They can work with you and your family, teach you, and help you build.  Once the work is finished, you and the family will take over, and, by the way, we’ll call all the ships “Arks” in your honor.

I guess that’s ok.  But I want to be sure that, whenever you plan to get the animals rounded up, I’ve still got my shipbuilders to make sure the ships are finished and ready for loading.  Last time, it was a complete balls-up!

You mean, this time, we really should put the Ark before the Horse?

Ha ha, that’s a good one.

Yeah, these days, we need a few laughs!

Leaf-Blower Man

Tags

air pollution, climate change, environment, environmental disaster, invasive species, lawn grass, leaf-blowers, noise pollution, power-mowers, push-mowers, rakes

Symbols like California Drought and Glacier Melt are powerful reminders of the grim future for our planet in the face of climate change. Powerful, but also limited by their sheer magnitude. How could I possibly make a difference? many will ask.

What is needed is a symbol that emphasizes how human activity helps produce these Armageddons, persuades individuals they can make a difference, and has a lighter, human touch.

I’d suggest Leaf-Blower Man, a normal Joe, just doing his job, but caught up in a vaudeville act of environmental stupidity perfect for The Three Stooges.

The act starts in the yard, specifically the mowing thereof, with Lawn-Mower Man (Leaf-Blower Man in his larval stage), who emerges in the spring with a machine that consumes more than its fair share of the world’s petroleum, screams louder than a Harley, and, according to the EPA, produces as much pollution in an hour as a fuel-efficient car driving from Albany to Buffalo.

The act continues with the blowing of the grass-cuttings. Rather than leave them to fertilize future generations, Lawn-Mower Man, now in his pupal form — Grass-Blower Man — disperses them, along with dust, trash, insects and the occasional small child, in a blast that contains more hydrocarbons, carbon monoxide, and particulate matter per hour than the emissions of your average car.

Thus the summer passes, a cacophony of noise, dust, and fumes that a fleet of diesel trucks would envy. Then, lest you think it’s over, in early autumn, the full, adult form — Leaf-Blower Man — emerges.

Leaf-Blower Man is no different from his previous stages in his assault on nature and mankind. It’s just that his depredations are so much more obtrusive — great waves of leaves and assorted detritus — and so much more futile, ending up in the road or in a neighbor’s yard, only to be blown back, in innocence or revenge, whence they came.

There is a coda to all this that begins somewhere near Wichita, where rainfall diminishes and the prairie begins. There, lawn grass, which is beautiful, practical, and environmentally sound in its native habitat, is an invasive species, diverting snowmelt or underground aquifers that might have gone to wheat-producing or tooth-brushing (don’t talk to me about golf-playing).

What to do? The decisive first step, at least in areas where lawn grass is an immigrant, is to substitute native flora. Imagine sitting on your patio looking out over your blue-crested grama grass. Think of the mower- and blower-free quiet as you gambol through the baby’s breath or Russian sage, or lie peacefully amongst lamb’s ears.

If you absolutely must have a regular lawn, deal with the rainfall that nature provides. If it’s not enough, accept that brown is as natural a color as green, console yourself with needing to mow less, and use a push mower. You will be fitter and you’ll be marching in a growing phalanx that demands more efficient, environmentally-friendly, mower technology (think of the latest in bicycles and wind-turbines).

As to Grass- and Leaf-Blower Man, he too has available a reasonable alternative, constructed with a long wooden handle, to the lower end of which is attached a fan-like array of prongs, a remarkably clever device that is, to its hot-air counterpart, what the tortoise is to the hare. And, there is no reason that this, too, could not be made even more efficient and user-friendly, given sufficient demand.

As you and your neighbors push-mow your lawns, raking up the grass cuttings as you wish, and, in the fall, the leaves as you really must, the quiet should allow you to track down the remaining Grass/Leaf-Mower/Blowers and lure them to the silent majority. It won’t be the world, but it will be a step.