When Xi Met Francis

Tags

capitalism, Catholic Church, China, climate change, Communism, Congress, Pope Francis, poverty, Speaker of the House, Vatican, Xi Jinping

It didn’t make the papers, but Xi Jinping and Pope Francis actually met during their recent visits to the U.S. It was Saturday, September 26, in the VIP Lounge at JFK, as Xi was arriving from Washington and Francis was heading to Philadelphia.

Francis was supposed to leave before Xi arrived, but he was delayed and Xi arrived early. Their staffs were off sorting out the complications and the two, desperate for a coffee, accompanied only by their interpreters, happened to meet at the hospitality counter:

 

Ah, Pope, I am Xi.

Yes, yes, and I am Francis. But I see that you really are a ‘he’ not a ‘she.’ Ha ha, my first joke in English.

Oh, yes, I ‘she.’  Ha ha, also my first joke in English.

Very good!  But, let us continue in our native tongues, since we have interpreters fluent in both Spanish and Mandarin, by some miracle.

Miracle? In China, we would have called it the logical result of meticulous long-range planning.

I see … and I see you are a coffee lover.

Yes, when Starbucks opened a shop in the Forbidden City, I was hooked. Great coffee and service with a smile. Three cheers for Capitalism.

Capitalism? But I thought you were a Communist!

Well, let’s not get hung up on semantics. For that matter, I thought you were a Communist. Ha ha.

Ah, yes, some American politicians have called me that, but it is simply my concern for the poor and for our beleaguered planet.

We have much in common. And how has your trip been?

Oh, very good. My speech to Congress was well-received, though, curiously, the Speaker of the House was constantly crying. I hope it wasn’t anything I said.

I don’t think so. My people tell me he is just overwrought and, in fact, may resign. It’s the constant battles within his party, and also between the parties, that have pushed him to the brink.

Ah, that may explain why one side stood, clapping, and the other sat silently when I said one thing, and then the other side stood while the rest sat, when I said another. I thought I was at an Argentina vs. Brazil futbol match. They just can’t agree on anything.

Unlike in the Catholic church, I’d imagine.

Oh, no, far from it. It’s a snake-pit. Every day is a struggle against corruption, abuse, narrow-mindedness.

Just like our Politburo. But at least you have an ideology that you all believe in. I’ve got nothing but a giant portrait of Mao that I couldn’t sell for junk, plus the Almighty Yuan, which is ok when the economy is doing well, but as useless as yesterday’s toilet paper when things are going bad.  

Capitalism can be a false God. Might Christianity be of help? It can be a great source of comfort, especially in times of stress.

I don’t think so. Christians can be real trouble-makers, each thinking he has found the Truth, and each with a different version of the Truth.

Well, I do agree that indiscipline on such emotional issues can be dangerous. People often misinterpret my social message as encouraging them to think for themselves on issues better left to us theologians. But I should ask you about your trip. Has it been successful?

Oh, rather mixed, though we and the U.S. do see eye-to-eye on climate change.

Good! Our planet is our sacred mother and it is our duty to protect her.

Well, I’m not sure about ‘sacred.’ For us, it’s simple pragmatism. If we can’t get the air and water clean, it will be a question of which comes first — the population all dead or their kicking us out on our — may I be crude? — asses.

Ah, yes, just like Jesus throwing the money-changers out of the temple, on that part of their anatomy. But, was climate change the only thing you could agree on?

Pretty much. The Americans claim we are stealing their business secrets, but I told them, honestly, we do not commit such acts and do not condone it by others.

Now, now! I’ve been a priest all my life, and I’ve heard tens of thousands of confessions. Very little gets past me.

OK, OK, nobody’s perfect.

Jesus was.

Perhaps, but he only had to look after people’s souls, not wheat harvests, coal production, typhoons, train schedules, labor unrest … Oh, God!

Amen!

Cuba Libre

Tags

Buick, capitalism, Castro, Chevy, Chrysler, Communism, Cuba, Havana, historic preservation, Hudson, Russians, Studebaker, U.S.-Cuba relations, vintage cars

Last Tuesday night, I strolled into Villa Habana, my favorite Miami restaurant, for a quick bite. The place was abuzz: Castro … Obama … embargo … empanadas … cucarachas, words like that. I asked my regular waiter, Felipe, what was going on. Some big U.S.-Cuba thing, he said. Stay tuned tomorrow.

I knew my time had come. I dashed for the door. Senor, you want us to deliver? The usual? Felipe shouted after me, but I waved him off, hopped a cab home, called a friend who has the fastest boat this side of the Bay of Pigs, packed my gear, grabbed a pile of C-notes, was dockside within an hour, and, by Wednesday morning, in Havana, tired, unshaven, disheveled. But then, who in Havana isn’t?

I went because of the cars. I’m a vintage American car collector and dealer, and Cuba is the Natural History Museum of ’50’s American roadsters — Chevies, Chryslers, and, if you’re really lucky, the odd Studebaker or Hudson.

I figured that, getting there quick, with ready cash, I’d be ahead of the game. Besides, these guys have been Commies for about two hundred years, right? Just a bunch of Latino hillbillies. So what do they know about the market? The vault’s open. Help yourself.

Downtown, I flagged a taxi, a shiny, red ’54 Buick, puffing smoke but otherwise beautiful. Oh, Mama, what that would bring at a vintage car auction! Where to? the cabbie asked in what sounded surprisingly like English. No go; make palabra, I replied. Jesus, he said, you sound like Tonto talking to the Lone Ranger. Look, I graduated from Cornell in ’55. Let’s do it the easy way. So, what’s up?

Well, I’m here to help, I said. I’m in the environmental business. Now that things are opening up, cars like yours … well, they pollute, they’re inefficient, they’re expensive. You, everybody, will be better off with new cars. I can take this one off your hands for a good price, ship it to Miami and place it with a loving farm family.

Yeah, I had a dog like that once, he laughed. But forget about it. The Russians have it all wrapped up.

The Russians!? I said. I thought you guys called it quits when the Soviet Union fell and the missiles and money stopped coming. And, besides, they don’t give a shit about the environment.

Don’t give me any more of that environment crap. We both know what we’re talking about.

OK, but an old Buick doesn’t have any sentimental value in Moscow. And besides, the Russian economy’s collapsing and the ruble’s in the toilet.

You don’t understand, he said. They’ve bought up all the old cars to keep ’em here and they own most of downtown Havana. They don’t need rubles. They’ve got the dollars.  They all live in Brooklyn. They know that, since ’59, America has been pining for Cuba like an old high-school girlfriend. Now, with the government on its last legs, it’s just a matter of time before this place is overrun with American tourists longing to see the Havana of their dreams. What could be better than a ride through the old city in something like a ’54 Buick? Think of it as historic preservation.

Preservation, I scoffed, what’s worth preserving?

The cars, for one. You’ve admitted it.

Well, yeah, but how did the Russians get this past the government?

Past? The government’s behind the whole thing. Who else could have sold downtown Havana?

But I thought they were Communists … dictatorship of the proletariat; control of the means of production … all that stuff.

They gave that up a long time ago. Since the state owns everything, they were just waiting for the best deal. Give ’em a few years, and they’ll all be living in Miami.

Well, if they’ve just been filthy capitalists all along, why did they keep up the anti-American thing?

They didn’t want to lose the embargo. How better to jack up the price? It’s supply and demand, man, supply and demand.