Christmas is over, with good news — ten months of no carols or egg-nog; and bad — it’s Thank-You Note time.
To get you in the mood, and perhaps give you some ideas, following are a few sample notes:
For Sisters Who Received One (and only One) Barbie Doll from their Aunt:
Dear Auntie, thank you for the lovely gi. (If parents insist on two separate notes, the other can start — Thank you for the lovely ft.) At first, we fought over her, but then we decided to do what Mom and Dad do with us — share. Barbie lives with me for one week and visits Jen on the weekend, then lives with her the next week and visits me for the weekend. Oh, maybe you didn’t know that Dad has moved out. He’s living with a nice lady who says she is also our Auntie — is she your sister?
For the Aunt Who Received a Hand-made Collage from Her Two Nieces:
Dearest Girls, no, I didn’t know and, no, she isn’t, but I’m glad the doll has worked out so well. And I need to thank you for the lovely collage. So many interesting things in it. I’m just guessing, but did you have fried eggs for breakfast recently? And do you have a rabbit now. Or are those raisins? Is someone still picking her nose? Do try to use a Kleenex. Oh, and did one of you lose a tooth? I think I know where the Fairy can pick it up.
For the Accountant Who Received a $200 Check from his Mother and Father:
Mom and Dad, thanks for the check. I wanted to let you know what pleasure it’s brought: Car from home to Mario’s Lounge = $2.23 (10 miles @ 20 miles/gallon = 1/2 gallon x $3.15/gallon = $1.575, rounded up to $1.58, plus depreciation at $.065 per mile = $.65); five extra-dry Martinis = $65.00 (@ $10.00 each = $50.00, plus tax @ 10% = $5.00 plus tip @ 20% calculated on pre-tax amount = $10.00); taxi home @ no charge, courtesy of Sober Santa; Christmas tip to driver = $100.00; one bottle of aspirin @ $5.55, no tax = $5.55; TOTAL = $172.78, which leaves $27.22.
For the Mother and Father of Their Son, the Accountant:
Thank you, dear Johnny, for your thoughtful note, which is better than any Christmas gift. What more could a mother and father want but to know their son loves them enough to get in touch once a year. Since, as you say, our little present still has some giving power left, why don’t you treat yourself to a Hershey bar plus change and send us a check for $25. That should buy a couple Martinis (plus tax and tip), with enough left for initial layaway on a bottle of aspirin.
For the Wife Who Bought Her Own Gift Because Her Husband is Hopeless:
Darling, since it’s hard to talk to you, a little note. I suppose it’s a reasonable trade-off — I schlep half-way across town to spend what we would have had to pay a therapist to treat your shopophobia, but at least I know I’m getting exactly what I want. It may be too much to hope that you’ll notice it and remember to ask what you “gave” me for Christmas. Still, you’re reasonably amiable after your nap. Vacuum the house and we’re even.
For the Husband Who is Hopeless at Getting Gifts for his Wife:
Dearest, I certainly wish I knew what you were talking about. I’m happy to vacuum the house, though I think you’ll need to buy some new bags since the last one filled up last June and then burst when I tried to empty it so I could re-use it. Did I thank you for the CDs, the great book, the magazine subscriptions, the lovely socks, the pipe, and the new bathrobe? Hope I haven’t forgotten anything. Love you.