The Caliph Wears a Vest

Tags

Abubakr al-Baghdadi, Caliph, CIA, dynamite, ISIS, Mosul, suicide vest, Syria

You may recall my insights into the challenges the leader of ISIS — Abubakr al-Baghdadi (aka the Khalifa/Caliph) — faced, trying to satisfy both the spiritual and the material needs of his flock (The Caliph Fills a Pothole; Sept 26, 2014).

He is now dead, allegedly at his own hand, by a suicide vest.

In light of my previous work, the Agency asked me to investigate the details of his demise.  Working with trusted sources, I have put together a rough but, I believe, accurate transcript of those final minutes:

(Doorbell):  Ring … Ring … Ring.

(Al-Baghdadi, from an inner room):  Someone get that.  It’s probably the postman.  I ordered a new vest.  Just sign for it.

(Servant):  But, sir, the postman always rings twice.  This was three rings.

(A-B):  Don’t be a nitwit!  (to himself) Why, in the name of Allah, did I include Turner Classic Movies in my TV package?!  (to Servant)  So, who is it?  What does he look like?

(Servant, looking through the keyhole and communicating through the closed door):  It is not a he, it is a they … three or four.  They have your vest.  They say you must sign for it.  But they do not look Arab; more like Peter O’Toole in “Lawrence of Arabia.”

(A-B, to himself):  Again, TCM!!!  But, far more serious, this could be the infidel Americans, may Allah curse them!  (to Servant)  Do not open the door!!  It must be the Americans!  Warn the rest of the household.  We must escape at once!

(A-B rushes to his bedroom):  Now, where did I put my old vest?  I had it on for our latest escape drill.  (to Second Servant):  Ismail, do you remember where I put my vest?

(Ismail): I believe you left it in the tunnel once our drill was completed.  You said it made more sense to have it there, ready, since that is our escape route.

(A-B): But I meant it to be washed and then returned there.  

(Ismail):  With respect, Khalifa, I believe I observed that to wash it would be to compromise its explosive potential.

(A-B): So, it’s still in the tunnel.  Well, I’m not going out in a dirty vest.  What would my followers say about a schmutzy Khalifa?

(Ismail): That he was an Israeli spy, perhaps?

(A-B): Don’t be smart with me.  

(Ismail): A thousand apologies, Khalifa.  But I have an idea.  Why not use the vest that the visitors at the door say they are here to deliver?!

(A-B): Are you a complete ninny?  They are the very ones who want me dead.  Why would I accept from them a vest that was designed to kill me?

(Ismail):  But, Khalifa, the vest that lies dirty in the escape tunnel is, itself, designed to kill you!  It is a suicide vest!

(A-B):  Yes, kill me, but in circumstances, and at a time, of my own choosing, if at all!

(Ismail):  Understood, Khalifa.  Ah, I have an idea!  That black vest you wear when you are sentencing violators to be stoned or burned or sliced into small pieces.  It is clean.  And we have a large store of dynamite that was to have been used to destroy what remained of Mosul as we retreated.  I could quickly fit that vest with dynamite.

(A-B):  An excellent plan.  Do it at once!

(Ismail packs the black vest with dynamite.  Al-Baghdadi dons it.  He and his family, with Ismail accompanying, climb down the ladder to the darkened basement and face the locked security door leading to the escape tunnel.)

(A-B):  I will do the combination.  We must be quick.  I hear their footsteps above.  Ismail, hand me the flashlight.

(Ismail):  Oh, my Allah, I have left it behind and they are right behind us.  But do not fear.  I have  brought matches.  Yes, I have one now.  Let me light it so you can s……………………

End Note:  Yes, dead!  But apparently not quite by his own hand.  A small procedural detail with essentially the same practical result.

The Caliph Fills a Pothole

Tags

Arabs, Caliph, Caliphate, extremism, fundamentalism, Iraq, ISIL, ISIS, Islamic State, Islamists, Jihad, Middle East, Muslims, Syria

Faithfully recreating the early Muslim Caliphate is a daunting task. I’m not referring to Disney World’s new Our Neighbors, the Muslims exhibit, but rather the project that Caliph Ibrahim (formerly known as Abubakr al-Baghdadi; aka Ibrahim ibn Awwad ibn Ibrahim ibn Etcetera) has undertaken in the Islamic State (formerly known as ISIS/ISIL; aka Syria, Iraq, the Levant, Mesopotamia, the Fertile Crescent, Assyria, Phoenicia, Babylon, Etcetera).

Just how daunting a project is revealed in a mass of internal Caliphal communications that the Agency has asked me to analyze. I can’t reveal sources or methods, but let’s just say that we might want to temper our enthusiasm for eviscerating the NSA. In any case, I do have permission to share a few memos:

Caliph to Religious Affairs Directorate. Subj — The Covering of Women: In the Name of God, the Compassionate and Merciful. Walking the streets in disguise, like the blessed Harun al-Rashid, I have noticed women using flimsy material over the eye-hole in the hijab that, in the sunlight, reveals even their eye-shadow color. Directive: The eye-hole is to be completely covered. Supply all women with a long stick, painted white.

Health Department to Caliph. Subj — The Covering of Women: In the Name of God, the Compassionate and Merciful. While, thanks to God, the Caliph’s directive has assured women’s spiritual health, it has negatively affected their physical health. In the last month alone, at but one spot — the intersection of Destroy the Infidels Boulevard and Crush Zionism Avenue — 25 women were run over by camels. Our personnel cannot cope.

War Department to Caliph. Subj — The Covering of Women: In the Name of God, the Compassionate and Merciful. To supplement the Health Department’s point, every woman injured or killed could have been a producer of future jihadists. We cannot afford this weakening of our armament-production capability.

Caliph to Health and War Departments. Subj — The Covering of Women: In the Name of God, the Compassionate and Merciful. I understand. Let injured jihadists be put to use leading women, using the white stick. The stick must be at least ten feet long and, to those guides not already neutered by their injuries, let the needful be done.

General Services Department to Caliph. Subj — Limited Supplies of Writing Materials: In the Name of God, the Compassionate and Merciful. With supplies of parchment, pens, and ink dwindling, would the Caliph consider, instead of beginning each memo with “In the Name of God, the Compassionate and Merciful,” allowing the simple acronym, “ItNoGtCaM”? We estimate a savings of 20% in parchment alone.

Caliph to General Services Department. Subj — Limited Supplies of Writing Materials: IN THE NAME OF GOD, THE COMPASSIONATE AND MERCIFUL. Any other questions?

Religious Affairs Directorate to Caliph. Subj — Observance of Daily Prayers: In the Name of God, the Most Compassionately Compassionate, Mercifully Merciful, All-Knowingly All-Knowing, Etcetera. It has come to our attention that some jihadists have, in the heat of battle, postponed their prayers. What is the point of having a Caliphate if religious obligations are treated so casually?

Caliph to Religious Affairs Directorate. Subj — Observance of Daily Prayers: IN THE NAME OF GOD, THE COMPASSIONATE AND MERCIFUL, AND NOT ONE GOD-DAMNED ATTRIBUTE MORE. Render unto God what is God’s and unto the War Department what is the War Department’s! And stop wasting writing materials!

War Department to Caliph. Subj — Under infidel air attack. Stop. Compassion and Mercy must wait. Stop. Thank you for understanding and support. Stop. Will catch up on prayers later. Stop.

Conclusion: We shouldn’t back off from attacking the Caliphate. However, we might consider that bombing them back to the 7th Century may be precisely their intended briar patch. In any case, we shouldn’t overestimate their staying power. From the examples cited, it is evident that balancing religious and practical imperatives is a herculean task. And I haven’t shared items like the riots that erupted when the Caliph cut all TV transmission just before the soccer World Cup Final, nor the impossibility of keeping the roads passable, what with the awful pounding the camels give them.