Old Mother Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare,
And so her poor dog had none.
How could that be, she wondered, when, only two days ago, I bought 30 dog-bones, 400 rolls of toilet paper, 17 bottles of Purell, 98 pounds of rolled oats, 140 bottles of distilled water, and 35 Kleenex boxes? Thieves must have broken in overnight …
As I Was Going to St. Ives
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives.
Each wife had seven sacks, each sack had:
50 pounds of rice, 28 hams, 154 boxes of assorted breakfast cereals, and 45 gallons of milk to go with the breakfast cereals, along with seven lorries to haul all the stuff they couldn’t possibly have toted by themselves …
Jack Be Nimble
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick,
And, since you’ve got that much energy, get your nimble little tush down to Safeway and buy us 100 bars of soap, 75 pairs of rubber gloves, and 15 bottles of vinegar.
And … young man … do not look at me as if I were a
Old King Cole
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe
And he called for his bowl,
And he went on-line to order 145 face-masks from Amazon. But, when they told him the earliest possible delivery date would be in 13 days, and even that was uncertain, he no longer was a merry old soul, but rather, a most petulant, if not yet actual,
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some cows, E-I-E-I-O.
With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there
Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo-moo,
Until 4:30, Friday morning, when, hearing no moo-moos, he discovered that rustlers had trucked them all off, undoubtedly to be slaughtered and sold, in their various parts, to fill the freezers of all those
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a Tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
Upon which, the spider picked up the bowl, scraped the spilled contents back into it, took it to the town market, sold it to a desperate man whose quarantined wife lay starving at home, and pocketed his obscene, ill-gotten gains …