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Even for natives, American politics is difficult.  How utterly confused non-natives must be, trying to understand the most convoluted system of choosing leaders ever invented, while, themselves, trying to master the most convoluted language ever invented.

UnknownImagine two Russians, recent immigrants to America, one a novice at American politics, the other, a bit more knowledgeable, working together to unsnarl what is going on:

So, the Democrats was having, in Iowa, Caucasus, right?  Why they moving beloved Russian mountains to Iowa for choosing President?  America is already having too many mountains.

No, no, they was not mountain-moving.  Even in their dream-thinking, mountain-moving is not possible.  Mountain is having nothing to do with President.  In Iowa, they …

… But I saw, on TV, program where President face, like Lincoln and Washington and Jefferson, are on top of mountain.  Looks like Caucasus.  So maybe they are wanting to be Presidented again?  I am thinking this is nonsensicals.

No, no.  They are not wanting.  They are totality deaded, forever.  And also, is totally different word — caucuses — C-A-U-C-U-S-E-S, not C-A-U-C-A-S-U-S.

Ah, I am seeing.  So, what is CAUCUSES?

Peoples, crowding into room, telling who they are liking for Democrat Party for President.

So — party — like with the inviting and the drinking and the dancing?   Big, happiness Democrat Party.  Yes? 

No, not that kind party.  Not happy party.  More like fighting party. 

Fighting party?  All the wanting Presidents get into room and have knock-you-down-flat fight?

No, not real, bam-bam-bam fighting!  The wanting Presidents are running.

So, they are fighting and running?  Like box and race at same time?

No, no.  Peoples in room are the fighting peoples for peoples who are running.

And the running peoples are running away from the fighting peoples?

No, they are the wanting-to-be-President-and-wanting-all-to-love-them-running-peoples.

Ah, now, I am seeing.  So, winner is most-wanted, like man in picture in Post Office?

No, no.  Picture-on-wall is for big criminal, not President.  President cannot be breaking law.  President cannot be on Post Office wall!

Ah, I am understanding.  But, question: Iowa is very small enough state for fit all Democrat Party fighting people in one room?

No, not only one.  Many rooms for many caucus people.

And every room, a running-for-President-Democrat-Party-person?

No, seven, six, maybe five, and they already gone to New Hampshire for more running.

Ah.  But, for Iowa, how is decided who is caucused to be favorite running-for-President-Democratic-Party-person?  So many rooms, so many persons.  Is complicated, yes?

Yes.  Democrats think is easy, but they make big up-fuck; not know right using of technology things to simple and fast everything.  Take whole complete week to get favorite-running-for-President-Democratic-Party-person.

Strangeness.  I was heard once Iowa people most educational in America.  But, never mind, I have idea how even stupids can fix.

How to fix?

Well, Iowa is not so bigness, right?


And many farms and very prairie and very cowboy, right?


So, I am remembering — from movies for prairies and farms and cowboys and horses — Pony Express!


So, Pony Express riders of horses can stop at all fighting choosing rooms and find who is winning running.  All bring winnings to one place.  Maybe, if riding very fast, do in one night, then — bang! — is known most favoritest!  At least is better than boringness doing the twirling of the thumbs from waiting for the not-working computers!

Yes, could maybe.  It makes me to thinking.

What you are thinking?

I am wondering if maybe Russia lucky not having stupidness system like that —

You mean computer stupidness?

No, is the fighting and running and waiting for knowing who is most favoritest and …  oh … ah … yes … ha ha … I am just thinking of good joke.

Yes, I am waiting to be hearing!

Putin say to America:  We are not so political backwardness.  We are more forwardness images-1than you!  We, also, have Caucasus, but without big up-fuck!