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Unknown-4

(God calls Noah, who is dozing in his rocking-chair)

Noah, it’s God.

Oh God!  I mean, Oh …… God!  You caught me by surprise.  What’s up?

I’ll get right to the point.  It’s the humans again.

You mean fornicating and idol-worshiping and all that?

Not exactly.  I’ve given up worrying about those kinds of things.  Actually, scientific studies suggest that fornication, in moderation, is an important part of healthy procreation, which is why I put them on Earth, though, considering what they’ve been up to lately — changing the climate and possibly killing off the life-forms I created — maybe letting them procreate wasn’t such a great idea.

But I thought I saw in some crazy blog that you solved the climate change problem a few months ago by showing them what the world would be like without a sky or trees or birds, or especially dogs.

Yeah, it worked for a little while, but it didn’t stick.  Now they’re back to their old “screw the environment, let’s party” ways.

So you’re planning to get rid of them?

Yep, and I’ll need help!

Tell me you’re not going to have me build another Ark, with all that monkey business and horseshit!  With my back, I just can’t shovel it anymore.

No … at least not precisely … but sort of.  Y’see, there are a lot more species of animals around than in the old days when you took your cruise …

It wasn’t a cruise, it was a business trip!

Just teasing you.  Anyway, a single little Ark won’t be enough.  We’re going to need a lot more space for the animals, and also for all the plant species we’ll have to save.  After all, plants are living things, and the animals will need them for food and shelter.

So, I’d need maybe three or four Arks?  I think I could manage that.  I’ve still got some timbers from before, out behind the garage, and the plans are somewhere in my desk, and, of course, with all the begetting, my family is much much larger, so they could help.

I’m afraid it’s a lot more complicated.  There are millions of animal species and hundreds of thousands of kinds of normal plants, not to mention algae and mosses and liverworts and …

Liverwurst??!!  That far I will not go.  On a crowded Ark, that stuff smells worse than horseshit.

No, liverworts are a kind of plant.  Anyway, the point is we’re going to need many thousands of ships, each the size of … say … the QE2.

What’s a QE2?

It’s a sort of enormous cruise ship, with lots of parties and liquor and dancing girls and…

You’re back on that cruise ship thing again?  And now with sinfulness?!  No, I won’t have anything to do with it!

Take it easy.  That’s just what they’re like now.  We’d only use them because they’re big and we’d refit them … though, I admit, it’s pretty diverting to think of a ship’s ballroom filled with dancing lions and tigers and bears.

“Oh my!” I’m tempted to say, but I won’t.  So, I’d have to refit the ones that exist and then build thousands of these things that are God knows how many cubits bigger than the Ark?  But I’m not a QE2 person, I’m an Ark person. 

Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging.  There are lots of shipbuilders.  They can work with you and your family, teach you, and help you build.  Once the work is finished, you and the family will take over, and, by the way, we’ll call all the ships “Arks” in your honor.

I guess that’s ok.  But I want to be sure that, whenever you plan to get the animals rounded up, I’ve still got my shipbuilders to make sure the ships are finished and ready for loading.  Last time, it was a complete balls-up!

Unknown-2You mean, this time, we really should put the Ark before the Horse?images

Ha ha, that’s a good one.

Yeah, these days, we need a few laughs!