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Hello, America, Hello!  The First Lady and I wish each and every one of you a Happy Independence Day on this truly historic Fourth of July!  Today, we come together as one nation with this very special Salute to … (what is that noise? where’s it coming fr …? the tanks? some asshole’s started up

0fa37cfe9bd6dcd030be45fec1477e37the Abrams tanks?)

Well, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted … What?  What?  You can’t hear me?  I’ll talk louder.  So, as I was saying, we come together as one nation with this very special Salute to America.  We celebrate our history, our people, and the heroes who proudly defend our flab … our flag … the men and women of the United States Military.

We are pleased to have with us Vice President Mike Pence and his wonderful wife … (what the hell are they doing now? another tank? what? all right, all right, so it’s

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a Bradley fighting vehicle, what’s the effing difference? nobody can hear me with all that racket; tell those idiots to stop it; they’re just for show, goddammit)

… Karen, or something like that, and all our other distinguished jests … guests.  

Together, we are part of one of the greatest stories ever told: the story of America.  It is the epic tale of a great nation whose people have risked everything for what they row is knight … know is right … and … (Jesus H. Christ, what is THAT noise? 

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a B-2 Stealth Bomber? what the hell do they mean Stealth? I never heard anything so fucking loud and, anyway, who the hell told it to come now? fucking idiots! now I can’t even hear myself!)

BEAR WITH ME.  I’LL SHY TO TROUT … TRY TO SHOUT.  AS I WAS SAYING, IT’S A GREAT, GREAT STORY, A CHRONICLE OF BRAVE CITIZENS WHO NEVER GIVE UP ON THE DREAM OF A BETTER FUTURE.  AND IT IS THE SAGA OF, I THINK IT WAS ABOUT TWELVE OR THIRTEEN SEPARATE COLONIES THAT … (Holy Fucking Mother of God!  What the bloody hell is THAT? Oh, yeah, I see it, it’s

imagesAir Force One! Christ on a crutch; I told them the end of the speech, the end of the speech, not the Goddam beginning!)

I’LL SHOUT LOUDER.  ANYWAY, ON THIS DAY, A SHITLOAD OF TIME AGO, OUR FOUNDING FATHERS PLEDGED THEIR LIVES, THEIR FORTUNES, THEIR SCARED …THEIR SACRED … HONOR TO DECLARE … OH FUCK, FUCK, DOUBLE FUCK, I’LL BE DIPPED IN SHIT, IT’S THE

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GOD-DAMNED BLUE-FUCKING ANGELS … (WHAT? WHAT? LANGUAGE? OH, DON’T SHIT A BRICK; NO ONE CAN HEAR OVER ALL THIS NOISE; I’VE HAD IT; LET ‘EM READ THE REST OF IT IN THE PAPERS, IF THEY CAN READ, THE IDIOTS; I NEED A DRINK AND I NEED IT PRONTO!)