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One of the more unlikely invitees to President Trump’s 2019 State of the Union address was Joshua Trump (no relation), a 6th grade student from Delaware, who, the White House explained, has been bullied in school due to his last name.

UnknownJoshua attended the speech, dozed off, and was caught on camera.

The First Lady, seated near Joshua, took pity on him and, when the speech ended, took him by the hand and introduced him to the President, who spent a few minutes talking with him.

There is no official transcript of their conversation, but, as usual, we have our sources:

Hello there, young fellow.  I understand you’ve been bullied because of your absolutely wonderful name.

Well, I …

Yes, yes!  People … narrow-minded scum, really … are jealous of truly magnificently great leaders … I’m sure the French … was it the French or maybe the English? … had all kinds of really very bad words for their guy, Napo … Napol … that short guy with the weird hat and his hand in his shirt  … and the Russians … or was it the Soviets? … I think maybe they were the same people … used some terrifically bad language … foul, awfully foul … for Stalin … though I don’t think that was actually his real name … I think it was something Georgian … really amazingly difficult to pronounce so maybe that’s why he changed it … though how he got from Atlanta to Moscow, I don’t … anyway, young man, don’t let the bastards grind you down … I think the Latin … or maybe it’s Greek? … for that is “non illegitimus carborundum sunt” … it’s been so long since I studied Latin … maybe never … so I hope you’re doing ok!?

Well, I …

Y’know, I too was bullied at school, especially at military academy … we had to get up really amazingly early and march, march, march … and it was painful because I had bone spurs … a lotta people … especially with all the fake news … they think I made up the bone spurs just to avoid Vietnam … now there was a fiasco … we shoulda pulled out early like I’m pulling out of Syria and Afghanistan and probably NATO … don’t tell anybody I said that about NATO… anyway, you probably don’t even know what it is … I mean NATO … that’s the thing about school … all they teach is reading and writing … what about negotiating, what about dealing, like I’m dealing with NATO? … y’know I wrote a book about dealing … well, somebody claims he wrote it, but I dictated it all and he just copied it out … copying, now there’s a good way to learn … sit next to somebody smart … especially at exams … anyway, I hope you’re doing ok!?

Well, I …

You’ve gotta stand up to ‘em … well, maybe not if they’re bigger than you … what you should do is earn a lot of money and you can pay somebody to … like Cohen … now there’s a son-of-a-bitch … and Mueller and all his crowd … if it hadn’t been for that idiot Sessions, I never would have … but I’ve got Giuliani … I hope he … I dunno, you really can’t trust anybody … maybe best is just to buy ‘em off right now … use your allowance money … you’ve got an allowance, right?

Well, I …

You should demand an allowance … I did and Dad was happy to help … so, maybe you won’t get as much as I did … but, whatever it is, keep some for yourself … put it in your drawer, not in a bank … I think we’re headed for a big recession … don’t tell anybody I said that … then, over time, you can maybe buy yourself a tree-house … then they can’t get you … you can just pull up the ladder … it’s good to be up there above everybody else … like when I’m at Trump Tower, everybody down there is just a bunch of ants … you could spit on ‘em … but don’t do that … y’know … to the tax man … just lie low and get a good accountant … anyway, I’m sure you’ll be ok! 

Well, I …

Good talkin’ to you … keep your pecker up … that’s what the Brits say … at least that’s what people say they say … I’ve never precisely heard ‘em say it … and I’ll bet Theresa Mayimages doesn’t say it … they’ve got a lot of weird expressions … it doesn’t mean, actually, your … anyway, you’re probably too young to have that problem … problem, did I say!? … that’s how a got all those chicks … y’know, by … never mind … anyway, I’m terrifically sure you’ll be ok!