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UnknownOK! OK! so all these self-styled, holier-than-thou, nit-picking sons-of-bitches are going after me for Trump University. Well, let me tell you a thing or two, OK!? These lick-spittle know-nothings couldn’t distinguish between a university and a bus stop if it bit them in the ass.

So we didn’t have a football team. Well, the University of Chicago doesn’t have a football team either. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?! So we didn’t have any fraternities or sororities. Well, neither do Middlebury or Williams, and they’re not exactly dogshit. And, yes, our tuition was high, but do you know how much a semester at smart-ass Harvard is?! And how many of their graduates are billionaires? HUH?! HUH?!

Let me tell you a few other things we didn’t have that these so-called universities do. We didn’t have any of this politically correct speech, you know, where you can’t call a Mexican student a rapist or a Muslim student a terrorist. Not that we would have had a Mexican or a Muslim student anyway, but, if we had, we wouldn’t have pussyfooted around the truth. OK!?

And we didn’t have all that sexual contact nonsense, you know, where the guys and the gals have to negotiate who can do what to whom and when, and probably have to get it notarized, a sort of contact contract — HA HA! — otherwise someone’s going to end up in jail. My students were too busy learning the art of the deal to be wasting time on that, like the spoiled kids of today, who think they’ve got it made ‘cause Daddy will bankroll them with a million or two. OK!?

And we didn’t have any of this accreditation nonsense, outsiders coming in to tell you what to do and what not to do. I’ve never listened to so-called experts telling me how to run my business — WOULD YOU?! WOULD YOU?! NO WAY!! — and I wasn’t about to let them tell me how to run a university. Anyway, who owns one-tenth of the world’s land surface, them or me?! AM I RIGHT?!

But we did have a helluva lot that other universities do have. Like, we had a seal and a motto, y’know, with an image of Trump Towers in gold and the sun rising behind it, and angels with those long trumpet-things. And Latin! We had Latin! Non Illegitimis Carborundum Sunt! Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down! HA HA! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! DON’T YOU?!

And we had grades too, but we did them better. No one got less than an A, and the top was A+++. We figured we’re getting the best of the best; everybody is way above average, Y’KNOW WHAT I MEAN!? So why bother with average grades? And everybody graduated with honors, y’know, your cum, your magna, your summa, and I forget what comes after that, but IT’S GOOD … REALLY GOOD … OK!?

And we had an alma mater — you remember We Will Rock You, RIGHT? RIGHT? — and a graduation ceremony like everybody does, with caps and gowns and all that stuff. We even had a graduation speaker … Bernie Madoff. Well, he couldn’t deliver his speech in person, but he sent it, and I read it. IT WAS GREAT! I WAS GREAT! WOULD I LIE TO YOU?!

And the whole lawsuit thing is crap. We had tons of positive evaluations. I know they’re genuine because our teachers checked every single one right there in the classroom, and even helped a lot of the students when they got so emotional about how great it was that they just couldn’t get it down on paper the way they really felt it. I LOVE IT!!

And judges are crap, too, especially one who I think you know I won’t be appointing to theimages Supreme Court, RIGHT?! RIGHT!! Anyway we already have one Mexican too many on the Supreme Court. That Sonia Sotowhatsername; she says she was born in the Bronx, but I know a Mexican when I see one. OK?! OK!!!!!!!!!