Putin has annexed Crimea and, by the time anybody reads this, may be finishing his second helping of Chicken Kiev. What at first seemed a snack could become a banquet, with our allies, our interests, maybe even ourselves the main course.
Putin cites two fundamental principles behind his liberation theology:
(1) The right to reincorporate former Russian territory.
(2) The duty to protect ethnic Russians.
With that line of reasoning, what’s to stop him from:
Seizing Alaska: America, you have allowed Russian Orthodox churches in Alaska to deteriorate shamefully. You long ago acknowledged that your so-called purchase was folly. Eskimos may stay — after all, they are long-lost Siberian brothers. All others must leave, especially Sarah Palin.
Annexing Parts of Brooklyn: Russian occupation of Brighton Beach, Bay Ridge, Sheepshead Bay, and Midwood, previously a mere civilian, demographic fact, is now a geo-political reality. We guarantee safe passage to their own ethnic enclaves for Greek-, Italian-, Irish-, Jewish-, African-, and other non-Russian-Americans.
Liberating the Russian Tea Room: This bastardized temple of conspicuous consumption sullies the proud reputation of Russian gastronomy and culture. New Yorkers and visitors, pay attention — if you wish to savor the essence of Russia, you must obtain a visa and pay in rubles.
Bad enough, but consider the possible bandwagon effect:
France Demands Return of Louisiana Purchase: Prime Minister Hollande cites widespread Cajun poverty and PETA threats to foie gras as justification.
Britain Presses for Cession of Original Thirteen Colonies: Prime Minister Cameron calls position justified response to American corruption of Her Majesty’s tongue (labor for labour; See ‘ya for Cheerio; suspenders for braces; Thank you for Ta) and failure to pay for spoiled tea. He assures Putin he will respect Russian sovereignty over Brighton Beach, Bay Ridge, Sheepshead Bay, and Midwood.
Spain Calls on U.S. to Restore Stolen Colonies: Prime Minister Rajoy singles out American treatment of Hispanics as justification. Obama objects, but signals willingness to trade Texas for Puerto Vallarta and two other minor-league resorts to be named later.
Native Americans Trump French, British, and Spanish Demands: Pointing out that they were here first, Native Americans retroactively void sale of Manhattan and file claim in International Court of Justice for rest of America (including all of Brooklyn).
It could spread:
Pakistan Gobbles Up Bangladesh; India Reincorporates Pakistan; Great Britain Reclaims India; Celts Take Over Great Britain; Knicks Beat Celts in Overtime.
Austro-Hungarian Empire Reasserts Claim To Czech Republic, Slovakia, Serbia, Bosnia, Croatia, Slovenia, Romania, Italy and Any Remaining Territory We’ve Inadvertently Left Out.
Holy Roman Empire Seizes Austria-Hungary and, just for the hell of it, Greenland.
All things considered, it might be best to stop matters before this all becomes a dog’s breakfast.